Marriages are ment to last , why the opposite?

I have watched many marriages crumble. As arrogant as it may sound, I know why they all do. I use to think that marital problems were unique and complicated. Well, although marital problems can make your life complicated I hardly believe there are any unique marital problems out there. I therefore think I can speak directly to your marriage. Lets see how I do.....

The relationship begins. The intial phase of being "in love" starts. This is a very powerful phase. Being "in love" is a feeling that no drug could ever match. This person makes you look forward to every day. Thinking about the person puts a smile on your face. This person makes you feel "complete". You feel confident to face the world. Your life makes sense and you are very optimistic about the future. It usally is remembered as one of the happiest times of your life. This phase can be a few months or a couple of years (if you are lucky). Unfortuantely, this phase is not real life. No earthly person can do these things for you. This is an important point. Remember it.

The problem begins when the "in love" drug starts to wear off. It may have worn off while you were engaged. It may have been two years into your marriage. It may have happend to your spouse first. No matter....it happens to both partners eventually. You can probably identify the month or year the "in love" phase ended for you. Whenever it happened, the big problem is that you are married and not in love. Your spouse no longer makes you happy. This person does not make you feel whole. Being married to this person now makes you uncertain of your future. Your life looks bleak. You have more problems and they are bigger than ever before. You see imperfections in your spouse that you never noticed before. A sense of doom, embarrassment, regret, and shame overcome you. You feel trapped by the marriage and wonder how you made such a big mistake. Your spouse is feeling these same feeling. He/she may not be able to verbalize these feelings to you but they are there....somewhere.

What happens now? You had two choices.....sacrifice yourself and everything and try to make your spouse happy or escape and make yourself happy. Usually one spouse picks to sacrifice and the other escapes. You might flip flop roles after a couple years. Neither role is healthy but it is too painful to face the fact that this is a doomed relationship. Escape?....how? It takes of few forms.....drugs, alchohol, affair, pornography, work, hobby, the kids. The last three are more acceptable in the eyes of society but they are no less of an escape. When you realize that none of this will either save your marrige or make you happy then depression usually sets in. Is this all starting to sound familiar?

This whole process from start to finish takes about 5-7 years (starting from "in love") In some marriages, both couples escape and they can delay the break up for many years. They simply wake up one day from their escape and realize there is no marriage left at all. I am sure you know a couple like that...."I can't believe they broke up after 20 years of marriage!"

I hope that knowing that your problems are very similar to millions of married people is some sort of comfort to you. People do not tend to share their marital problems. Every one puts on a good act in public. But you are definitely not alone. This sounds quite bleak doesn't it? There is a solution but it is not an easy one.

To fix this you have to start at the root of the problem....you. You and your spouse both came into this marriage broken in some way. We are all broken. We are born imperfect and we are only made more screwed up by our life experiences. Some of us end up more broken then others. Nevertheless, your first problem was looking to another human being to make you feel perfect again.....to fill that empty spot inside. Both you an your spouse have to agree to try a different approach to being married. Really, it is a new approach to life.

A marriage will not work by two broken pieces coming together. A marriage will only work if two whole pieces come together.

The formula to save your marriage:
1. Make yourself whole.
2. Your spouse makes him/her self whole.
3. Start over with a new marriage with a focus on nurturing your own "wholeness" while your spouse does the same.

How do you and your spouse make yourselves whole? Perhaps there are other ways to do it but I only see one. God. God is the only perfect creature on earth. It therefore only makes sense that He is the only one that can make you happy on the inside and fill that empty spot inside. You can try to fill that hole with various addictions, distractions, or indulgences. But their effect is temporary. It is a God-shaped hole. No human thing can fill it.

So my advice to save your marriage is to pray .....pray to God to make you whole. Try hard to let God's efforts be effective in you. Listen closely for God's answers inside you. THEN.....tell your spouse all the ways you want God to help you. Ask your spouse to pray for you. THEN... listen to your spouse when he/she tells you all the ways they want God to help hm/her. Pray for your spouse. Do not help your spouse if they can not see all of their imperfections. Tell God about them....let Him tell your spouse. Sharing your own imperfections with your spouse can be a very powerful thing. The more transparent you are with your spouse the closer you relationship will become. Praying for each other will only amplify the power of your openness with your spouse.

God will then become the foundation of your relationship instead of each other. Sounds like a better foundation to me.....doesn't it to you?

In the future, when you are unhappy with your marriage....look to God and look in the mirror. Looking at your spouse will not bring about effective change.

Kids
They are the joy of our life. We would do anything for them. We want only the best. The cruel irony is that focusing all of your emotional and physical efforts into your child's life will often contribute to the greatest pain in your child's life.....divorce. It is not an original thought of mine but it is worth mentioning that the primary relationship in a family is between the husband and wife. If the primary relationship is between the child and parent then the marriage will crumble. The greatest gift you can give to your child is a healthy marriage. It will bring them security, strength in building relationships, and a model to look back on for their marriage.