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Monday, May 23, 2011
Dealing with Anger In Your Relationship
Everywhere you look in today’s world, we are hearing about people expressing anger, often in a destructive, inappropriate way. "Rage" used to be a term reserved for strange, out-of-control people, but now we have road rage, workplace rage and even airplane rage. Violent outbursts are commonplace on TV talk shows. Gun rampages in public places have become a typical news event. What’s going on?
American culture has a bizarre relationship with the energy of anger and its inappropriate expression as violence. In our consumer lifestyle, we know that violence sells. The promotion of violence is a multi-billion dollar business, affecting virtually every aspect of our lives. Think for a moment about the expressions of violence on TV, movies, video games, professional sports, and many forms of recreation. We dare not show a single naked breast or penis on TV, but we can show hundreds of horrible, bloody murders every day of the week. A startling statistic is that by the time they finish elementary school, the average American child (who watches just 3.5 hours of TV a week) will have witnessed 12,000 murders and more than 150,000 other acts of violence on TV.
We teach our children to not hit their siblings and then roar in delight at the vicious fight at the hockey game or the bone-crushing tackle at the football game. The top stories on our local news are often nothing more than a review of the most sensationally violent acts in our community in the past day. By virtually any measure you use, American society is the most violent society in the history of recorded civilization.
This is some evidence that we are modeling what we learn through the media, where violence is often presented with few realistic consequences. The National Television Violence Study in 1995 found that 47% of the violent acts shown resulted in no observable harm to the victim; only 16% of violent shows contained a message about the long term negative repercussions of violence; and in a whopping 73% of all violent scenes, the perpetrator went unpunished. The study found 44% of the shows on network stations contained at least some violence, compared with 59% on basic cable and 85% on premium channels. It’s interesting to note that the more money people pay for a television service, the more violence it contains! Studies by George Gerbner, Ph.D. at the University of Pennsylvania have shown that children who watch a lot of television are more likely to think that the world is a mean and dangerous place; they become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others; and they are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others.
With adults, people who cannot deal appropriately with their anger teach their children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Men who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non violent parents, with the sons of the most violent parents being 1000 times more likely to become perpetrators of violent acts toward women. During each year women were the victims of more than 4.5 million violent crimes, including approximately 500,000 rapes or other sexual assaults. In 29 percent of the violent crimes against women by lone offenders the perpetrators were husbands, former husbands, boyfriends or former boyfriends.
So why as a culture do we teach, promote, and model destructive, inappropriate, unrealistic expressions of anger? We are fascinated with anger and violence because we are terrified of and uncomfortable with our own power. As a culture, we try to make nice, to make believe that we are not angry people, and harshly judge others that are. Our anger is the shadow side of the positive, upbeat, prosperous American psyche. Violence sells because it is tapping into a deeply repressed aspect of the American psyche. We tuck our anger away in the darkest, most shameful recesses of our minds and hearts, and then are horrified and surprised when it comes blasting out. Yet it is a fundamental principle of psychology that whatever we disown, cut off or otherwise repress in our psyche becomes stronger than it actually is, and eventually will force us to recognize its existence by coming to the surface in a distorted, exaggerated or impulsive manner.
So if there is an answer to this issue of anger and violence, it is that we all must recognize, befriend and own our own power, our own potential for anger and even violence, and come to terms with that energy. Anger is an energy that can be harnessed and channeled in any number of ways, some of them very constructive. But that can only happen if we’re willing to look our own anger straight in the eye without fear, denial or minimization. Anger is the elephant in our collective living rooms that no one wants to talk about other than in harsh, judgmental terms about other people.
Anger Management
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival. On the other hand, we obviously can't lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. So expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
The goal of any type of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physical arousal that anger causes. While you can’t always change the situations or people that upset you, you can learn to control your reactions. Here are some great tools to try:
1. Relaxation - simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Books such as The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabatt-Zinn are excellent sources for instruction in meditation and relaxation. Once you learn the techniques, you can use them in anywhere to quickly calm down.
For additional help with relaxation, practice breathing deeply from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest doesn’t tend to elicit nearly as deep a sensation of relaxation. Picture your breath coming up from your diaphragm while you slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply and putting attention on your breath. Use imagery: visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination, with as many senses involved in the visualization as possible. Hatha yoga is also a great method for relaxing your muscles and making you feel much calmer.
2. Change Your Thoughts - Angry people tend to think negative, critical thoughts about themselves or others. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated, overly dramatic and irrational. Try replacing these thoughts with more positive and rational ones. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Also, when angry, people often feel victimized. So it’s helpful to reflect on what’s happening and take responsibility for whatever you are doing to partially create the situation that frustrates you.
3. Communicate Directly After you Calm Down - when angry, people make assumptions that may not be true about others’ intentions. So slow down, calm down, and speak clearly about whatever it is that is frustrating you to the person(s) involved. Talk about your feelings and perceptions rather than blaming others. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
4. Take Time for Yourself - make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day or days of the week that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the woman who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to me unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids and husband without yelling at them.
There are some excellent self-help books available on the topic of dealing with anger. Two of our favorites address specific gender issues that men and women face: The Dance of Anger: A Women’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Lerner and Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life, by Thomas Harbin.
Anger is an expression of our life force. When manifest in an appropriate manner, it can be an intelligent expression and reaction to the circumstances of our lives. When we befriend our anger, we tame its impulsive expression and give ourselves a valuable tool to create constructive change for ourselves and the world. We encourage you to start wherever you are, with compassion and love for all parts of yourself, and begin to explore your own relationship with this powerful and necessary life energy. And be honest with yourself in the process: if you cannot understand this energy, if it feels like a wild beast or a scary monster, seek out help from those who can guide your journey of healing and discovery in a safe and constructive manner.
American culture has a bizarre relationship with the energy of anger and its inappropriate expression as violence. In our consumer lifestyle, we know that violence sells. The promotion of violence is a multi-billion dollar business, affecting virtually every aspect of our lives. Think for a moment about the expressions of violence on TV, movies, video games, professional sports, and many forms of recreation. We dare not show a single naked breast or penis on TV, but we can show hundreds of horrible, bloody murders every day of the week. A startling statistic is that by the time they finish elementary school, the average American child (who watches just 3.5 hours of TV a week) will have witnessed 12,000 murders and more than 150,000 other acts of violence on TV.
We teach our children to not hit their siblings and then roar in delight at the vicious fight at the hockey game or the bone-crushing tackle at the football game. The top stories on our local news are often nothing more than a review of the most sensationally violent acts in our community in the past day. By virtually any measure you use, American society is the most violent society in the history of recorded civilization.
This is some evidence that we are modeling what we learn through the media, where violence is often presented with few realistic consequences. The National Television Violence Study in 1995 found that 47% of the violent acts shown resulted in no observable harm to the victim; only 16% of violent shows contained a message about the long term negative repercussions of violence; and in a whopping 73% of all violent scenes, the perpetrator went unpunished. The study found 44% of the shows on network stations contained at least some violence, compared with 59% on basic cable and 85% on premium channels. It’s interesting to note that the more money people pay for a television service, the more violence it contains! Studies by George Gerbner, Ph.D. at the University of Pennsylvania have shown that children who watch a lot of television are more likely to think that the world is a mean and dangerous place; they become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others; and they are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others.
With adults, people who cannot deal appropriately with their anger teach their children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Men who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non violent parents, with the sons of the most violent parents being 1000 times more likely to become perpetrators of violent acts toward women. During each year women were the victims of more than 4.5 million violent crimes, including approximately 500,000 rapes or other sexual assaults. In 29 percent of the violent crimes against women by lone offenders the perpetrators were husbands, former husbands, boyfriends or former boyfriends.
So why as a culture do we teach, promote, and model destructive, inappropriate, unrealistic expressions of anger? We are fascinated with anger and violence because we are terrified of and uncomfortable with our own power. As a culture, we try to make nice, to make believe that we are not angry people, and harshly judge others that are. Our anger is the shadow side of the positive, upbeat, prosperous American psyche. Violence sells because it is tapping into a deeply repressed aspect of the American psyche. We tuck our anger away in the darkest, most shameful recesses of our minds and hearts, and then are horrified and surprised when it comes blasting out. Yet it is a fundamental principle of psychology that whatever we disown, cut off or otherwise repress in our psyche becomes stronger than it actually is, and eventually will force us to recognize its existence by coming to the surface in a distorted, exaggerated or impulsive manner.
So if there is an answer to this issue of anger and violence, it is that we all must recognize, befriend and own our own power, our own potential for anger and even violence, and come to terms with that energy. Anger is an energy that can be harnessed and channeled in any number of ways, some of them very constructive. But that can only happen if we’re willing to look our own anger straight in the eye without fear, denial or minimization. Anger is the elephant in our collective living rooms that no one wants to talk about other than in harsh, judgmental terms about other people.
Anger Management
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival. On the other hand, we obviously can't lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. So expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
The goal of any type of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physical arousal that anger causes. While you can’t always change the situations or people that upset you, you can learn to control your reactions. Here are some great tools to try:
1. Relaxation - simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Books such as The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabatt-Zinn are excellent sources for instruction in meditation and relaxation. Once you learn the techniques, you can use them in anywhere to quickly calm down.
For additional help with relaxation, practice breathing deeply from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest doesn’t tend to elicit nearly as deep a sensation of relaxation. Picture your breath coming up from your diaphragm while you slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply and putting attention on your breath. Use imagery: visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination, with as many senses involved in the visualization as possible. Hatha yoga is also a great method for relaxing your muscles and making you feel much calmer.
2. Change Your Thoughts - Angry people tend to think negative, critical thoughts about themselves or others. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated, overly dramatic and irrational. Try replacing these thoughts with more positive and rational ones. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Also, when angry, people often feel victimized. So it’s helpful to reflect on what’s happening and take responsibility for whatever you are doing to partially create the situation that frustrates you.
3. Communicate Directly After you Calm Down - when angry, people make assumptions that may not be true about others’ intentions. So slow down, calm down, and speak clearly about whatever it is that is frustrating you to the person(s) involved. Talk about your feelings and perceptions rather than blaming others. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
4. Take Time for Yourself - make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day or days of the week that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the woman who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to me unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids and husband without yelling at them.
There are some excellent self-help books available on the topic of dealing with anger. Two of our favorites address specific gender issues that men and women face: The Dance of Anger: A Women’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Lerner and Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life, by Thomas Harbin.
Anger is an expression of our life force. When manifest in an appropriate manner, it can be an intelligent expression and reaction to the circumstances of our lives. When we befriend our anger, we tame its impulsive expression and give ourselves a valuable tool to create constructive change for ourselves and the world. We encourage you to start wherever you are, with compassion and love for all parts of yourself, and begin to explore your own relationship with this powerful and necessary life energy. And be honest with yourself in the process: if you cannot understand this energy, if it feels like a wild beast or a scary monster, seek out help from those who can guide your journey of healing and discovery in a safe and constructive manner.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Emotional Affairs
The topic of infidelity is a frequent topic with couples experiencing problems. When most people hear the terms 'infidelity' or 'affair', they almost always think of a passionate, romantic, physical relationship. Certainly many people engage in physical affairs borne out of immaturity, acting out of hostility and even sexual addiction.
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
*
do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
*
does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
*
have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.
ONLINE AFFAIRS - Emotional and Physical
Some emotional affairs occur online, with someone you've never actually met in person. Here are seven signs that your significant other may be having a cyberaffair:
*
Change in sleep patterns
*
Demand for privacy
*
Household chores ignored
*
Evidence of lying
*
Personality changes
*
Loss of interest in sex
*
Declining relationship investment
Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself -- because another relationship has come between your marriage.
The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. They also may tell you they will quit.
A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex can include mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet.
Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship.
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
*
do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
*
does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
*
have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.
ONLINE AFFAIRS - Emotional and Physical
Some emotional affairs occur online, with someone you've never actually met in person. Here are seven signs that your significant other may be having a cyberaffair:
*
Change in sleep patterns
*
Demand for privacy
*
Household chores ignored
*
Evidence of lying
*
Personality changes
*
Loss of interest in sex
*
Declining relationship investment
Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself -- because another relationship has come between your marriage.
The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. They also may tell you they will quit.
A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex can include mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet.
Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Discover this definition of marriage and watch your relationship soar!
He flew to his feet, and with one fluid motion launched towards her with a bound. With great determination etched across his face the relentless pursuit continued, and it was obvious nothing was going to stand in his way.
"Stop right now!" shouted his mom.
His dad echoing the charge added, "Stop immediately!"
Didn't even slow him down!
The obstacles lying on the floor blocking his path didn't even faze him, and the hands of his mom and dad reaching for him might just as well have been invisible. He just blew right by them continuing his relentless pursuit.
What I just described for you is a natural occurrence around our house lately. It seems our son is serious about his younger sister not picking up something that belongs to him.
Perhaps you have seen it, too!
Many of you reading this probably remember the helicopter video of a chase scene involving, what seemed like, every police officer in Los Angeles and a certain white Ford Bronco. I know I will never forget this example of relentless pursuit that ultimately led to the trial of the century.
There are multiple examples of relentless pursuit one can think of, but I would like to turn our attention to why the definition of marriage is a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life.
I. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disengaged
Like my son in the story above, it is hard to disengage them from their passionate and relentless pursuit. They embrace a life lived for the enrichment of their spouse, and nothing is going to detour them from that focus. They establish a set of boundaries that govern their commitment to relentless pursuit of one another and then wisely maintain those boundaries.
Neglecting boundaries has been the ally of many an affair.
You know the progression! The conversation at the water fountain at work becomes the laugh by the lockers becomes the lunch by the lake becomes LEG-A-CY replaced for how much LEG-I-SEE.
You're skimming Facebook looking for "Friends" and come across you-know-who. "Should I or Shouldn't I," you question yourself. You shouldn't....you do....and the "I do" promise of your marriage is soon challenged. Sure, there's more going on in this example than Facebook, but we are talking about respecting the boundaries.
The first boundary crossed makes stepping over the next one easier, and before long, the boundary lines become less and less defined. How many affairs could have been prevented with proper respect for the boundaries?
II. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily distracted
My wife and I were grabbing a bite of food at the Mall one night and noticed a young couple coming towards us. The young girl clasped his hand in true vice-grip fashion, and the look of satisfaction on her face was evident. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen, but you could just tell she took pride in being his one-and-only.
As this young couple passed by our table, we almost fell out of our seats laughing about the irony. On the back of the young man's black t-shirt he sported where these words in bold white letters:
EASILY DISTRACTED!
Couples in relentless pursuit of one another may have t-shirts with cute sayings on them, but EASILY DISTRACTED is usually not one of them.
A man in relentless pursuit of his wife discovers that Vivacious Veronica caressing her curves by his cubicle doesn't cast the same spell on him as it does others. A woman in relentless pursuit of her husband hardly notices Ted the Terrific turning his teasing talents of temptations her direction.
III. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disenchanted
Stan-Land is a place my wife was often accused of going while we were dating. She would be in deep thought about something and someone would tease her about being in Stan-Land. More often than not, by her own admittance, that is exactly where she would be.
Over a decade of marriage later, and with a wiser definition of marriage, guess what? My wife still goes to Stan-Land. I have a confession of my own. I am enchanted by my wife, and practically every day of my life, I go to Jessica-Land. In our marriage, both of us get more and more enchanted with one another as the years go by. Being in relentless pursuit of each other has this magical effect. You see…
…WHAT WE ELEVATE BECOMES WHAT WE CELEBRATE!
When you are a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another, you can't help but elevate that person's value in your world. As you do this, prepare to be enchanted!
In the book of the Bible "Song of Songs (Song of Solomon)" there is a great example of what relentless pursuit looks like and why it makes for a great definition of marriage.
1 I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
4 Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go…
So, how about it! Is your definition of marriage a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life? If not, start relentlessly pursuing your spouse and see if you don't find yourself echoing this same sentiment;
"Stop right now!" shouted his mom.
His dad echoing the charge added, "Stop immediately!"
Didn't even slow him down!
The obstacles lying on the floor blocking his path didn't even faze him, and the hands of his mom and dad reaching for him might just as well have been invisible. He just blew right by them continuing his relentless pursuit.
What I just described for you is a natural occurrence around our house lately. It seems our son is serious about his younger sister not picking up something that belongs to him.
Perhaps you have seen it, too!
Many of you reading this probably remember the helicopter video of a chase scene involving, what seemed like, every police officer in Los Angeles and a certain white Ford Bronco. I know I will never forget this example of relentless pursuit that ultimately led to the trial of the century.
There are multiple examples of relentless pursuit one can think of, but I would like to turn our attention to why the definition of marriage is a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life.
I. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disengaged
Like my son in the story above, it is hard to disengage them from their passionate and relentless pursuit. They embrace a life lived for the enrichment of their spouse, and nothing is going to detour them from that focus. They establish a set of boundaries that govern their commitment to relentless pursuit of one another and then wisely maintain those boundaries.
Neglecting boundaries has been the ally of many an affair.
You know the progression! The conversation at the water fountain at work becomes the laugh by the lockers becomes the lunch by the lake becomes LEG-A-CY replaced for how much LEG-I-SEE.
You're skimming Facebook looking for "Friends" and come across you-know-who. "Should I or Shouldn't I," you question yourself. You shouldn't....you do....and the "I do" promise of your marriage is soon challenged. Sure, there's more going on in this example than Facebook, but we are talking about respecting the boundaries.
The first boundary crossed makes stepping over the next one easier, and before long, the boundary lines become less and less defined. How many affairs could have been prevented with proper respect for the boundaries?
II. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily distracted
My wife and I were grabbing a bite of food at the Mall one night and noticed a young couple coming towards us. The young girl clasped his hand in true vice-grip fashion, and the look of satisfaction on her face was evident. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen, but you could just tell she took pride in being his one-and-only.
As this young couple passed by our table, we almost fell out of our seats laughing about the irony. On the back of the young man's black t-shirt he sported where these words in bold white letters:
EASILY DISTRACTED!
Couples in relentless pursuit of one another may have t-shirts with cute sayings on them, but EASILY DISTRACTED is usually not one of them.
A man in relentless pursuit of his wife discovers that Vivacious Veronica caressing her curves by his cubicle doesn't cast the same spell on him as it does others. A woman in relentless pursuit of her husband hardly notices Ted the Terrific turning his teasing talents of temptations her direction.
III. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disenchanted
Stan-Land is a place my wife was often accused of going while we were dating. She would be in deep thought about something and someone would tease her about being in Stan-Land. More often than not, by her own admittance, that is exactly where she would be.
Over a decade of marriage later, and with a wiser definition of marriage, guess what? My wife still goes to Stan-Land. I have a confession of my own. I am enchanted by my wife, and practically every day of my life, I go to Jessica-Land. In our marriage, both of us get more and more enchanted with one another as the years go by. Being in relentless pursuit of each other has this magical effect. You see…
…WHAT WE ELEVATE BECOMES WHAT WE CELEBRATE!
When you are a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another, you can't help but elevate that person's value in your world. As you do this, prepare to be enchanted!
In the book of the Bible "Song of Songs (Song of Solomon)" there is a great example of what relentless pursuit looks like and why it makes for a great definition of marriage.
1 I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
4 Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go…
So, how about it! Is your definition of marriage a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life? If not, start relentlessly pursuing your spouse and see if you don't find yourself echoing this same sentiment;
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