The Basics Of Marriage

FUNDAMENTALS OF MARRIAGE

The basics of marriage must be taken into consideration, for example, if you want to construct a building, it will not be ideal to start it without first having a careful preparations which includes the following; before the foundation is laid, land must be acquired and plans drawn up , the cost should be counted so as to meet the requirement set out in the holy Book the Bible which says “Who of you that want to build a tower does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it? In a similar vain, marriage could be likened to constructing a building. A for the success of it, any who wants to get married should ask or consider the cost of getting married in terms of physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of it. Therefore, those contemplating marriage need to have a realistic view of both the blessing and the cost of being married.

From the outset, one need to stop and ask, am I ready for marriage? As was said of constructing a building, yes! Constructing a building may be expensive, but caring for its long – term maintenance is costly as well. The same could be seen in marriage. Getting married seems challenging enough, however, maintaining a marital relationship year after year must be considered. The big question is, what does maintaining such a relationship entail?

If you could follow the words of the originator of marriage which states “A man will leave his mother and father and “MUST” stick to his wife and they must become one flesh”. By analyzing those words, it showed the kind of commitment that is to be shown between the couples. One sticking to the other in a mutual understanding of what marriage is all about, forming a bond. So if you are contemplating marriage you ought to bear those words in mind, if you are already married you should reevaluate your priorities in your marriage based on those words, to see if you are in line with those words of wisdom an this shows whether you value your solemn commitment.

Are you one of those who feels that the idea of a solemn commitment frightens you? For example, a young man confesses “knowing that the two of us ( himself and the wife) were stuck together for life made me feel pushed into Corner and closed totally confined”. To the contrary if you really love the person you intend to marry or have married to, commitment will not seem like a burden instead, it will be viewed as a source of security. Do not be carried away, the sense of commitment implied in marriage will make a couple want to stay together through good times and bad and to be supportive to each other come what may. Do you know that the commitment of marriage makes one to feel more secure? The security here is total and refreshing enabling each of the mates to want to see the other every minute of the day.

Marriages are ment to last , why the opposite?

I have watched many marriages crumble. As arrogant as it may sound, I know why they all do. I use to think that marital problems were unique and complicated. Well, although marital problems can make your life complicated I hardly believe there are any unique marital problems out there. I therefore think I can speak directly to your marriage. Lets see how I do.....

The relationship begins. The intial phase of being "in love" starts. This is a very powerful phase. Being "in love" is a feeling that no drug could ever match. This person makes you look forward to every day. Thinking about the person puts a smile on your face. This person makes you feel "complete". You feel confident to face the world. Your life makes sense and you are very optimistic about the future. It usally is remembered as one of the happiest times of your life. This phase can be a few months or a couple of years (if you are lucky). Unfortuantely, this phase is not real life. No earthly person can do these things for you. This is an important point. Remember it.

The problem begins when the "in love" drug starts to wear off. It may have worn off while you were engaged. It may have been two years into your marriage. It may have happend to your spouse first. No matter....it happens to both partners eventually. You can probably identify the month or year the "in love" phase ended for you. Whenever it happened, the big problem is that you are married and not in love. Your spouse no longer makes you happy. This person does not make you feel whole. Being married to this person now makes you uncertain of your future. Your life looks bleak. You have more problems and they are bigger than ever before. You see imperfections in your spouse that you never noticed before. A sense of doom, embarrassment, regret, and shame overcome you. You feel trapped by the marriage and wonder how you made such a big mistake. Your spouse is feeling these same feeling. He/she may not be able to verbalize these feelings to you but they are there....somewhere.

What happens now? You had two choices.....sacrifice yourself and everything and try to make your spouse happy or escape and make yourself happy. Usually one spouse picks to sacrifice and the other escapes. You might flip flop roles after a couple years. Neither role is healthy but it is too painful to face the fact that this is a doomed relationship. Escape?....how? It takes of few forms.....drugs, alchohol, affair, pornography, work, hobby, the kids. The last three are more acceptable in the eyes of society but they are no less of an escape. When you realize that none of this will either save your marrige or make you happy then depression usually sets in. Is this all starting to sound familiar?

This whole process from start to finish takes about 5-7 years (starting from "in love") In some marriages, both couples escape and they can delay the break up for many years. They simply wake up one day from their escape and realize there is no marriage left at all. I am sure you know a couple like that...."I can't believe they broke up after 20 years of marriage!"

I hope that knowing that your problems are very similar to millions of married people is some sort of comfort to you. People do not tend to share their marital problems. Every one puts on a good act in public. But you are definitely not alone. This sounds quite bleak doesn't it? There is a solution but it is not an easy one.

To fix this you have to start at the root of the problem....you. You and your spouse both came into this marriage broken in some way. We are all broken. We are born imperfect and we are only made more screwed up by our life experiences. Some of us end up more broken then others. Nevertheless, your first problem was looking to another human being to make you feel perfect again.....to fill that empty spot inside. Both you an your spouse have to agree to try a different approach to being married. Really, it is a new approach to life.

A marriage will not work by two broken pieces coming together. A marriage will only work if two whole pieces come together.

The formula to save your marriage:
1. Make yourself whole.
2. Your spouse makes him/her self whole.
3. Start over with a new marriage with a focus on nurturing your own "wholeness" while your spouse does the same.

How do you and your spouse make yourselves whole? Perhaps there are other ways to do it but I only see one. God. God is the only perfect creature on earth. It therefore only makes sense that He is the only one that can make you happy on the inside and fill that empty spot inside. You can try to fill that hole with various addictions, distractions, or indulgences. But their effect is temporary. It is a God-shaped hole. No human thing can fill it.

So my advice to save your marriage is to pray .....pray to God to make you whole. Try hard to let God's efforts be effective in you. Listen closely for God's answers inside you. THEN.....tell your spouse all the ways you want God to help you. Ask your spouse to pray for you. THEN... listen to your spouse when he/she tells you all the ways they want God to help hm/her. Pray for your spouse. Do not help your spouse if they can not see all of their imperfections. Tell God about them....let Him tell your spouse. Sharing your own imperfections with your spouse can be a very powerful thing. The more transparent you are with your spouse the closer you relationship will become. Praying for each other will only amplify the power of your openness with your spouse.

God will then become the foundation of your relationship instead of each other. Sounds like a better foundation to me.....doesn't it to you?

In the future, when you are unhappy with your marriage....look to God and look in the mirror. Looking at your spouse will not bring about effective change.

Kids
They are the joy of our life. We would do anything for them. We want only the best. The cruel irony is that focusing all of your emotional and physical efforts into your child's life will often contribute to the greatest pain in your child's life.....divorce. It is not an original thought of mine but it is worth mentioning that the primary relationship in a family is between the husband and wife. If the primary relationship is between the child and parent then the marriage will crumble. The greatest gift you can give to your child is a healthy marriage. It will bring them security, strength in building relationships, and a model to look back on for their marriage.