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Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Dealing with Anger In Your Relationship
Everywhere you look in today’s world, we are hearing about people expressing anger, often in a destructive, inappropriate way. "Rage" used to be a term reserved for strange, out-of-control people, but now we have road rage, workplace rage and even airplane rage. Violent outbursts are commonplace on TV talk shows. Gun rampages in public places have become a typical news event. What’s going on?
American culture has a bizarre relationship with the energy of anger and its inappropriate expression as violence. In our consumer lifestyle, we know that violence sells. The promotion of violence is a multi-billion dollar business, affecting virtually every aspect of our lives. Think for a moment about the expressions of violence on TV, movies, video games, professional sports, and many forms of recreation. We dare not show a single naked breast or penis on TV, but we can show hundreds of horrible, bloody murders every day of the week. A startling statistic is that by the time they finish elementary school, the average American child (who watches just 3.5 hours of TV a week) will have witnessed 12,000 murders and more than 150,000 other acts of violence on TV.
We teach our children to not hit their siblings and then roar in delight at the vicious fight at the hockey game or the bone-crushing tackle at the football game. The top stories on our local news are often nothing more than a review of the most sensationally violent acts in our community in the past day. By virtually any measure you use, American society is the most violent society in the history of recorded civilization.
This is some evidence that we are modeling what we learn through the media, where violence is often presented with few realistic consequences. The National Television Violence Study in 1995 found that 47% of the violent acts shown resulted in no observable harm to the victim; only 16% of violent shows contained a message about the long term negative repercussions of violence; and in a whopping 73% of all violent scenes, the perpetrator went unpunished. The study found 44% of the shows on network stations contained at least some violence, compared with 59% on basic cable and 85% on premium channels. It’s interesting to note that the more money people pay for a television service, the more violence it contains! Studies by George Gerbner, Ph.D. at the University of Pennsylvania have shown that children who watch a lot of television are more likely to think that the world is a mean and dangerous place; they become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others; and they are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others.
With adults, people who cannot deal appropriately with their anger teach their children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Men who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non violent parents, with the sons of the most violent parents being 1000 times more likely to become perpetrators of violent acts toward women. During each year women were the victims of more than 4.5 million violent crimes, including approximately 500,000 rapes or other sexual assaults. In 29 percent of the violent crimes against women by lone offenders the perpetrators were husbands, former husbands, boyfriends or former boyfriends.
So why as a culture do we teach, promote, and model destructive, inappropriate, unrealistic expressions of anger? We are fascinated with anger and violence because we are terrified of and uncomfortable with our own power. As a culture, we try to make nice, to make believe that we are not angry people, and harshly judge others that are. Our anger is the shadow side of the positive, upbeat, prosperous American psyche. Violence sells because it is tapping into a deeply repressed aspect of the American psyche. We tuck our anger away in the darkest, most shameful recesses of our minds and hearts, and then are horrified and surprised when it comes blasting out. Yet it is a fundamental principle of psychology that whatever we disown, cut off or otherwise repress in our psyche becomes stronger than it actually is, and eventually will force us to recognize its existence by coming to the surface in a distorted, exaggerated or impulsive manner.
So if there is an answer to this issue of anger and violence, it is that we all must recognize, befriend and own our own power, our own potential for anger and even violence, and come to terms with that energy. Anger is an energy that can be harnessed and channeled in any number of ways, some of them very constructive. But that can only happen if we’re willing to look our own anger straight in the eye without fear, denial or minimization. Anger is the elephant in our collective living rooms that no one wants to talk about other than in harsh, judgmental terms about other people.
Anger Management
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival. On the other hand, we obviously can't lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. So expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
The goal of any type of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physical arousal that anger causes. While you can’t always change the situations or people that upset you, you can learn to control your reactions. Here are some great tools to try:
1. Relaxation - simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Books such as The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabatt-Zinn are excellent sources for instruction in meditation and relaxation. Once you learn the techniques, you can use them in anywhere to quickly calm down.
For additional help with relaxation, practice breathing deeply from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest doesn’t tend to elicit nearly as deep a sensation of relaxation. Picture your breath coming up from your diaphragm while you slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply and putting attention on your breath. Use imagery: visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination, with as many senses involved in the visualization as possible. Hatha yoga is also a great method for relaxing your muscles and making you feel much calmer.
2. Change Your Thoughts - Angry people tend to think negative, critical thoughts about themselves or others. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated, overly dramatic and irrational. Try replacing these thoughts with more positive and rational ones. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Also, when angry, people often feel victimized. So it’s helpful to reflect on what’s happening and take responsibility for whatever you are doing to partially create the situation that frustrates you.
3. Communicate Directly After you Calm Down - when angry, people make assumptions that may not be true about others’ intentions. So slow down, calm down, and speak clearly about whatever it is that is frustrating you to the person(s) involved. Talk about your feelings and perceptions rather than blaming others. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
4. Take Time for Yourself - make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day or days of the week that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the woman who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to me unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids and husband without yelling at them.
There are some excellent self-help books available on the topic of dealing with anger. Two of our favorites address specific gender issues that men and women face: The Dance of Anger: A Women’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Lerner and Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life, by Thomas Harbin.
Anger is an expression of our life force. When manifest in an appropriate manner, it can be an intelligent expression and reaction to the circumstances of our lives. When we befriend our anger, we tame its impulsive expression and give ourselves a valuable tool to create constructive change for ourselves and the world. We encourage you to start wherever you are, with compassion and love for all parts of yourself, and begin to explore your own relationship with this powerful and necessary life energy. And be honest with yourself in the process: if you cannot understand this energy, if it feels like a wild beast or a scary monster, seek out help from those who can guide your journey of healing and discovery in a safe and constructive manner.
American culture has a bizarre relationship with the energy of anger and its inappropriate expression as violence. In our consumer lifestyle, we know that violence sells. The promotion of violence is a multi-billion dollar business, affecting virtually every aspect of our lives. Think for a moment about the expressions of violence on TV, movies, video games, professional sports, and many forms of recreation. We dare not show a single naked breast or penis on TV, but we can show hundreds of horrible, bloody murders every day of the week. A startling statistic is that by the time they finish elementary school, the average American child (who watches just 3.5 hours of TV a week) will have witnessed 12,000 murders and more than 150,000 other acts of violence on TV.
We teach our children to not hit their siblings and then roar in delight at the vicious fight at the hockey game or the bone-crushing tackle at the football game. The top stories on our local news are often nothing more than a review of the most sensationally violent acts in our community in the past day. By virtually any measure you use, American society is the most violent society in the history of recorded civilization.
This is some evidence that we are modeling what we learn through the media, where violence is often presented with few realistic consequences. The National Television Violence Study in 1995 found that 47% of the violent acts shown resulted in no observable harm to the victim; only 16% of violent shows contained a message about the long term negative repercussions of violence; and in a whopping 73% of all violent scenes, the perpetrator went unpunished. The study found 44% of the shows on network stations contained at least some violence, compared with 59% on basic cable and 85% on premium channels. It’s interesting to note that the more money people pay for a television service, the more violence it contains! Studies by George Gerbner, Ph.D. at the University of Pennsylvania have shown that children who watch a lot of television are more likely to think that the world is a mean and dangerous place; they become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others; and they are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others.
With adults, people who cannot deal appropriately with their anger teach their children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Men who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non violent parents, with the sons of the most violent parents being 1000 times more likely to become perpetrators of violent acts toward women. During each year women were the victims of more than 4.5 million violent crimes, including approximately 500,000 rapes or other sexual assaults. In 29 percent of the violent crimes against women by lone offenders the perpetrators were husbands, former husbands, boyfriends or former boyfriends.
So why as a culture do we teach, promote, and model destructive, inappropriate, unrealistic expressions of anger? We are fascinated with anger and violence because we are terrified of and uncomfortable with our own power. As a culture, we try to make nice, to make believe that we are not angry people, and harshly judge others that are. Our anger is the shadow side of the positive, upbeat, prosperous American psyche. Violence sells because it is tapping into a deeply repressed aspect of the American psyche. We tuck our anger away in the darkest, most shameful recesses of our minds and hearts, and then are horrified and surprised when it comes blasting out. Yet it is a fundamental principle of psychology that whatever we disown, cut off or otherwise repress in our psyche becomes stronger than it actually is, and eventually will force us to recognize its existence by coming to the surface in a distorted, exaggerated or impulsive manner.
So if there is an answer to this issue of anger and violence, it is that we all must recognize, befriend and own our own power, our own potential for anger and even violence, and come to terms with that energy. Anger is an energy that can be harnessed and channeled in any number of ways, some of them very constructive. But that can only happen if we’re willing to look our own anger straight in the eye without fear, denial or minimization. Anger is the elephant in our collective living rooms that no one wants to talk about other than in harsh, judgmental terms about other people.
Anger Management
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival. On the other hand, we obviously can't lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. So expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
The goal of any type of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physical arousal that anger causes. While you can’t always change the situations or people that upset you, you can learn to control your reactions. Here are some great tools to try:
1. Relaxation - simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Books such as The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabatt-Zinn are excellent sources for instruction in meditation and relaxation. Once you learn the techniques, you can use them in anywhere to quickly calm down.
For additional help with relaxation, practice breathing deeply from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest doesn’t tend to elicit nearly as deep a sensation of relaxation. Picture your breath coming up from your diaphragm while you slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply and putting attention on your breath. Use imagery: visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination, with as many senses involved in the visualization as possible. Hatha yoga is also a great method for relaxing your muscles and making you feel much calmer.
2. Change Your Thoughts - Angry people tend to think negative, critical thoughts about themselves or others. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated, overly dramatic and irrational. Try replacing these thoughts with more positive and rational ones. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Also, when angry, people often feel victimized. So it’s helpful to reflect on what’s happening and take responsibility for whatever you are doing to partially create the situation that frustrates you.
3. Communicate Directly After you Calm Down - when angry, people make assumptions that may not be true about others’ intentions. So slow down, calm down, and speak clearly about whatever it is that is frustrating you to the person(s) involved. Talk about your feelings and perceptions rather than blaming others. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
4. Take Time for Yourself - make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day or days of the week that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the woman who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to me unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids and husband without yelling at them.
There are some excellent self-help books available on the topic of dealing with anger. Two of our favorites address specific gender issues that men and women face: The Dance of Anger: A Women’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Lerner and Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life, by Thomas Harbin.
Anger is an expression of our life force. When manifest in an appropriate manner, it can be an intelligent expression and reaction to the circumstances of our lives. When we befriend our anger, we tame its impulsive expression and give ourselves a valuable tool to create constructive change for ourselves and the world. We encourage you to start wherever you are, with compassion and love for all parts of yourself, and begin to explore your own relationship with this powerful and necessary life energy. And be honest with yourself in the process: if you cannot understand this energy, if it feels like a wild beast or a scary monster, seek out help from those who can guide your journey of healing and discovery in a safe and constructive manner.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Emotional Affairs
The topic of infidelity is a frequent topic with couples experiencing problems. When most people hear the terms 'infidelity' or 'affair', they almost always think of a passionate, romantic, physical relationship. Certainly many people engage in physical affairs borne out of immaturity, acting out of hostility and even sexual addiction.
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
*
do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
*
does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
*
have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.
ONLINE AFFAIRS - Emotional and Physical
Some emotional affairs occur online, with someone you've never actually met in person. Here are seven signs that your significant other may be having a cyberaffair:
*
Change in sleep patterns
*
Demand for privacy
*
Household chores ignored
*
Evidence of lying
*
Personality changes
*
Loss of interest in sex
*
Declining relationship investment
Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself -- because another relationship has come between your marriage.
The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. They also may tell you they will quit.
A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex can include mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet.
Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship.
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
*
do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
*
does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
*
have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.
ONLINE AFFAIRS - Emotional and Physical
Some emotional affairs occur online, with someone you've never actually met in person. Here are seven signs that your significant other may be having a cyberaffair:
*
Change in sleep patterns
*
Demand for privacy
*
Household chores ignored
*
Evidence of lying
*
Personality changes
*
Loss of interest in sex
*
Declining relationship investment
Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself -- because another relationship has come between your marriage.
The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. They also may tell you they will quit.
A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex can include mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet.
Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Discover this definition of marriage and watch your relationship soar!
He flew to his feet, and with one fluid motion launched towards her with a bound. With great determination etched across his face the relentless pursuit continued, and it was obvious nothing was going to stand in his way.
"Stop right now!" shouted his mom.
His dad echoing the charge added, "Stop immediately!"
Didn't even slow him down!
The obstacles lying on the floor blocking his path didn't even faze him, and the hands of his mom and dad reaching for him might just as well have been invisible. He just blew right by them continuing his relentless pursuit.
What I just described for you is a natural occurrence around our house lately. It seems our son is serious about his younger sister not picking up something that belongs to him.
Perhaps you have seen it, too!
Many of you reading this probably remember the helicopter video of a chase scene involving, what seemed like, every police officer in Los Angeles and a certain white Ford Bronco. I know I will never forget this example of relentless pursuit that ultimately led to the trial of the century.
There are multiple examples of relentless pursuit one can think of, but I would like to turn our attention to why the definition of marriage is a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life.
I. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disengaged
Like my son in the story above, it is hard to disengage them from their passionate and relentless pursuit. They embrace a life lived for the enrichment of their spouse, and nothing is going to detour them from that focus. They establish a set of boundaries that govern their commitment to relentless pursuit of one another and then wisely maintain those boundaries.
Neglecting boundaries has been the ally of many an affair.
You know the progression! The conversation at the water fountain at work becomes the laugh by the lockers becomes the lunch by the lake becomes LEG-A-CY replaced for how much LEG-I-SEE.
You're skimming Facebook looking for "Friends" and come across you-know-who. "Should I or Shouldn't I," you question yourself. You shouldn't....you do....and the "I do" promise of your marriage is soon challenged. Sure, there's more going on in this example than Facebook, but we are talking about respecting the boundaries.
The first boundary crossed makes stepping over the next one easier, and before long, the boundary lines become less and less defined. How many affairs could have been prevented with proper respect for the boundaries?
II. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily distracted
My wife and I were grabbing a bite of food at the Mall one night and noticed a young couple coming towards us. The young girl clasped his hand in true vice-grip fashion, and the look of satisfaction on her face was evident. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen, but you could just tell she took pride in being his one-and-only.
As this young couple passed by our table, we almost fell out of our seats laughing about the irony. On the back of the young man's black t-shirt he sported where these words in bold white letters:
EASILY DISTRACTED!
Couples in relentless pursuit of one another may have t-shirts with cute sayings on them, but EASILY DISTRACTED is usually not one of them.
A man in relentless pursuit of his wife discovers that Vivacious Veronica caressing her curves by his cubicle doesn't cast the same spell on him as it does others. A woman in relentless pursuit of her husband hardly notices Ted the Terrific turning his teasing talents of temptations her direction.
III. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disenchanted
Stan-Land is a place my wife was often accused of going while we were dating. She would be in deep thought about something and someone would tease her about being in Stan-Land. More often than not, by her own admittance, that is exactly where she would be.
Over a decade of marriage later, and with a wiser definition of marriage, guess what? My wife still goes to Stan-Land. I have a confession of my own. I am enchanted by my wife, and practically every day of my life, I go to Jessica-Land. In our marriage, both of us get more and more enchanted with one another as the years go by. Being in relentless pursuit of each other has this magical effect. You see…
…WHAT WE ELEVATE BECOMES WHAT WE CELEBRATE!
When you are a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another, you can't help but elevate that person's value in your world. As you do this, prepare to be enchanted!
In the book of the Bible "Song of Songs (Song of Solomon)" there is a great example of what relentless pursuit looks like and why it makes for a great definition of marriage.
1 I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
4 Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go…
So, how about it! Is your definition of marriage a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life? If not, start relentlessly pursuing your spouse and see if you don't find yourself echoing this same sentiment;
"Stop right now!" shouted his mom.
His dad echoing the charge added, "Stop immediately!"
Didn't even slow him down!
The obstacles lying on the floor blocking his path didn't even faze him, and the hands of his mom and dad reaching for him might just as well have been invisible. He just blew right by them continuing his relentless pursuit.
What I just described for you is a natural occurrence around our house lately. It seems our son is serious about his younger sister not picking up something that belongs to him.
Perhaps you have seen it, too!
Many of you reading this probably remember the helicopter video of a chase scene involving, what seemed like, every police officer in Los Angeles and a certain white Ford Bronco. I know I will never forget this example of relentless pursuit that ultimately led to the trial of the century.
There are multiple examples of relentless pursuit one can think of, but I would like to turn our attention to why the definition of marriage is a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life.
I. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disengaged
Like my son in the story above, it is hard to disengage them from their passionate and relentless pursuit. They embrace a life lived for the enrichment of their spouse, and nothing is going to detour them from that focus. They establish a set of boundaries that govern their commitment to relentless pursuit of one another and then wisely maintain those boundaries.
Neglecting boundaries has been the ally of many an affair.
You know the progression! The conversation at the water fountain at work becomes the laugh by the lockers becomes the lunch by the lake becomes LEG-A-CY replaced for how much LEG-I-SEE.
You're skimming Facebook looking for "Friends" and come across you-know-who. "Should I or Shouldn't I," you question yourself. You shouldn't....you do....and the "I do" promise of your marriage is soon challenged. Sure, there's more going on in this example than Facebook, but we are talking about respecting the boundaries.
The first boundary crossed makes stepping over the next one easier, and before long, the boundary lines become less and less defined. How many affairs could have been prevented with proper respect for the boundaries?
II. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily distracted
My wife and I were grabbing a bite of food at the Mall one night and noticed a young couple coming towards us. The young girl clasped his hand in true vice-grip fashion, and the look of satisfaction on her face was evident. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen, but you could just tell she took pride in being his one-and-only.
As this young couple passed by our table, we almost fell out of our seats laughing about the irony. On the back of the young man's black t-shirt he sported where these words in bold white letters:
EASILY DISTRACTED!
Couples in relentless pursuit of one another may have t-shirts with cute sayings on them, but EASILY DISTRACTED is usually not one of them.
A man in relentless pursuit of his wife discovers that Vivacious Veronica caressing her curves by his cubicle doesn't cast the same spell on him as it does others. A woman in relentless pursuit of her husband hardly notices Ted the Terrific turning his teasing talents of temptations her direction.
III. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disenchanted
Stan-Land is a place my wife was often accused of going while we were dating. She would be in deep thought about something and someone would tease her about being in Stan-Land. More often than not, by her own admittance, that is exactly where she would be.
Over a decade of marriage later, and with a wiser definition of marriage, guess what? My wife still goes to Stan-Land. I have a confession of my own. I am enchanted by my wife, and practically every day of my life, I go to Jessica-Land. In our marriage, both of us get more and more enchanted with one another as the years go by. Being in relentless pursuit of each other has this magical effect. You see…
…WHAT WE ELEVATE BECOMES WHAT WE CELEBRATE!
When you are a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another, you can't help but elevate that person's value in your world. As you do this, prepare to be enchanted!
In the book of the Bible "Song of Songs (Song of Solomon)" there is a great example of what relentless pursuit looks like and why it makes for a great definition of marriage.
1 I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
4 Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go…
So, how about it! Is your definition of marriage a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life? If not, start relentlessly pursuing your spouse and see if you don't find yourself echoing this same sentiment;
Friday, February 25, 2011
Discovering the definition of marriage and watch your relationship soar!
He flew to his feet, and with one fluid motion launched towards her with a bound. With great determination etched across his face the relentless pursuit continued, and it was obvious nothing was going to stand in his way.
"Stop right now!" shouted his mom.
His dad echoing the charge added, "Stop immediately!"
Didn't even slow him down!
The obstacles lying on the floor blocking his path didn't even faze him, and the hands of his mom and dad reaching for him might just as well have been invisible. He just blew right by them continuing his relentless pursuit.
What I just described for you is a natural occurrence around our house lately. It seems our son is serious about his younger sister not picking up something that belongs to him.
Perhaps you have seen it, too!
Many of you reading this probably remember the helicopter video of a chase scene involving, what seemed like, every police officer in Los Angeles and a certain white Ford Bronco. I know I will never forget this example of relentless pursuit that ultimately led to the trial of the century.
There are multiple examples of relentless pursuit one can think of, but I would like to turn our attention to why the definition of marriage is a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life.
I. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disengaged
Like my son in the story above, it is hard to disengage them from their passionate and relentless pursuit. They embrace a life lived for the enrichment of their spouse, and nothing is going to detour them from that focus. They establish a set of boundaries that govern their commitment to relentless pursuit of one another and then wisely maintain those boundaries.
Neglecting boundaries has been the ally of many an affair.
You know the progression! The conversation at the water fountain at work becomes the laugh by the lockers becomes the lunch by the lake becomes LEG-A-CY replaced for how much LEG-I-SEE.
You're skimming Facebook looking for "Friends" and come across you-know-who. "Should I or Shouldn't I," you question yourself. You shouldn't....you do....and the "I do" promise of your marriage is soon challenged. Sure, there's more going on in this example than Facebook, but we are talking about respecting the boundaries.
The first boundary crossed makes stepping over the next one easier, and before long, the boundary lines become less and less defined. How many affairs could have been prevented with proper respect for the boundaries?
II. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily distracted
My wife and I were grabbing a bite of food at the Mall one night and noticed a young couple coming towards us. The young girl clasped his hand in true vice-grip fashion, and the look of satisfaction on her face was evident. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen, but you could just tell she took pride in being his one-and-only.
As this young couple passed by our table, we almost fell out of our seats laughing about the irony. On the back of the young man's black t-shirt he sported where these words in bold white letters:
EASILY DISTRACTED!
Couples in relentless pursuit of one another may have t-shirts with cute sayings on them, but EASILY DISTRACTED is usually not one of them.
A man in relentless pursuit of his wife discovers that Vivacious Veronica caressing her curves by his cubicle doesn't cast the same spell on him as it does others. A woman in relentless pursuit of her husband hardly notices Ted the Terrific turning his teasing talents of temptations her direction.
III. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disenchanted
Stan-Land is a place my wife was often accused of going while we were dating. She would be in deep thought about something and someone would tease her about being in Stan-Land. More often than not, by her own admittance, that is exactly where she would be.
Over a decade of marriage later, and with a wiser definition of marriage, guess what? My wife still goes to Stan-Land. I have a confession of my own. I am enchanted by my wife, and practically every day of my life, I go to Jessica-Land. In our marriage, both of us get more and more enchanted with one another as the years go by. Being in relentless pursuit of each other has this magical effect. You see…
…WHAT WE ELEVATE BECOMES WHAT WE CELEBRATE!
When you are a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another, you can't help but elevate that person's value in your world. As you do this, prepare to be enchanted!
In the book of the Bible "Song of Songs (Song of Solomon)" there is a great example of what relentless pursuit looks like and why it makes for a great definition of marriage.
1 I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
4 Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/01/12/article-1113623-0046AD750000044C-353_468x304.jpg
I held him and would not let him go…
So, how about it! Is your definition of marriage a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life? If not, start relentlessly pursuing your spouse and see if you don't find yourself echoing this same sentiment;
"I found the one my heart loves
and I will not let him/her go."
by Stanley J. Leffew
"Stop right now!" shouted his mom.
His dad echoing the charge added, "Stop immediately!"
Didn't even slow him down!
The obstacles lying on the floor blocking his path didn't even faze him, and the hands of his mom and dad reaching for him might just as well have been invisible. He just blew right by them continuing his relentless pursuit.
What I just described for you is a natural occurrence around our house lately. It seems our son is serious about his younger sister not picking up something that belongs to him.
Perhaps you have seen it, too!
Many of you reading this probably remember the helicopter video of a chase scene involving, what seemed like, every police officer in Los Angeles and a certain white Ford Bronco. I know I will never forget this example of relentless pursuit that ultimately led to the trial of the century.
There are multiple examples of relentless pursuit one can think of, but I would like to turn our attention to why the definition of marriage is a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life.
I. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disengaged
Like my son in the story above, it is hard to disengage them from their passionate and relentless pursuit. They embrace a life lived for the enrichment of their spouse, and nothing is going to detour them from that focus. They establish a set of boundaries that govern their commitment to relentless pursuit of one another and then wisely maintain those boundaries.
Neglecting boundaries has been the ally of many an affair.
You know the progression! The conversation at the water fountain at work becomes the laugh by the lockers becomes the lunch by the lake becomes LEG-A-CY replaced for how much LEG-I-SEE.
You're skimming Facebook looking for "Friends" and come across you-know-who. "Should I or Shouldn't I," you question yourself. You shouldn't....you do....and the "I do" promise of your marriage is soon challenged. Sure, there's more going on in this example than Facebook, but we are talking about respecting the boundaries.
The first boundary crossed makes stepping over the next one easier, and before long, the boundary lines become less and less defined. How many affairs could have been prevented with proper respect for the boundaries?
II. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily distracted
My wife and I were grabbing a bite of food at the Mall one night and noticed a young couple coming towards us. The young girl clasped his hand in true vice-grip fashion, and the look of satisfaction on her face was evident. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen, but you could just tell she took pride in being his one-and-only.
As this young couple passed by our table, we almost fell out of our seats laughing about the irony. On the back of the young man's black t-shirt he sported where these words in bold white letters:
EASILY DISTRACTED!
Couples in relentless pursuit of one another may have t-shirts with cute sayings on them, but EASILY DISTRACTED is usually not one of them.
A man in relentless pursuit of his wife discovers that Vivacious Veronica caressing her curves by his cubicle doesn't cast the same spell on him as it does others. A woman in relentless pursuit of her husband hardly notices Ted the Terrific turning his teasing talents of temptations her direction.
III. Couples committed to relentless pursuit of one another are not easily disenchanted
Stan-Land is a place my wife was often accused of going while we were dating. She would be in deep thought about something and someone would tease her about being in Stan-Land. More often than not, by her own admittance, that is exactly where she would be.
Over a decade of marriage later, and with a wiser definition of marriage, guess what? My wife still goes to Stan-Land. I have a confession of my own. I am enchanted by my wife, and practically every day of my life, I go to Jessica-Land. In our marriage, both of us get more and more enchanted with one another as the years go by. Being in relentless pursuit of each other has this magical effect. You see…
…WHAT WE ELEVATE BECOMES WHAT WE CELEBRATE!
When you are a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another, you can't help but elevate that person's value in your world. As you do this, prepare to be enchanted!
In the book of the Bible "Song of Songs (Song of Solomon)" there is a great example of what relentless pursuit looks like and why it makes for a great definition of marriage.
1 I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
4 Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/01/12/article-1113623-0046AD750000044C-353_468x304.jpg
I held him and would not let him go…
So, how about it! Is your definition of marriage a couple committed to relentless pursuit of one another for life? If not, start relentlessly pursuing your spouse and see if you don't find yourself echoing this same sentiment;
"I found the one my heart loves
and I will not let him/her go."
by Stanley J. Leffew
Monday, February 14, 2011
Keep The Passion Alive: - Bring Back The Loving Romance!
The honeymoon is over. Maybe you’ve been together a few months, a few years,
or even a lot of years. At some point, though, the early flames of passion will
fade and you’ll start looking for ways to Spark the passion...
Take a moment to read all of this article and share it with your partner...
1. Have Fun Together - Humor can be very intoxicating!
Remember the fun times you had when you first started dating? You
laughed, you played, and you spent time enjoying each other’s company.
There’s no reason for the fun to stop just because you’ve been together
for a while. Share Jokes and Cartoons - watch comedy - Just Laugh More!
Think about some of these options:
·Collect cartoons or jokes that your spouse will enjoy
·Play a game together, like checkers or backgammon
·Do something unexpected to surprise your spouse
·Do a puzzle together
·Make popcorn and watch a favorite movie
Remember: Keep the Relationship built on Trust!
·
2. Be A Fun & Happy Romantic
What did you used to do when the two of you were romancing each other?
Jump start the romance by going back to some of those previous activities
that generated warm feelings. Maybe you used to:
·Eat dinner by candlelight
·Hide a love note in your spouse’s lunch
·Build a fire and relax in front of it
·Take a walk in the moonlight
Read Poetry to each other in the Park on a blanket
·
3. Go Back To Dating like it was! - Remember ?
One way to jump start your relationship is to “date” each other again. Add
to the fun by calling to ask each other out, and the one doing the asking
then plans the date. To make it more challenging, set a budget limit for
the date. You’d be amazed at how much fun it is to be creative and plan
a date for $40 or less.
Once you’re on the date, treat each other as you did when you were first
getting acquainted. Men, open the car door for your lady. Women, put
on a special dress and flirt with your gentleman.
Remember: You deserve to be in a Healthy relationship!
4. Do The Little Things - & it is okay to Be Sensitive
The day-to-day grind of life can really wear you down, and at those times
paying attention to the little things gets harder. It’s more important then
ever, though, that you make the extra effort to do the little things that
your spouse will really appreciate.
You could:
Make a point to give your partner a hug and a kiss each morning
before you leave and each evening when you get home.
Remember to say please and thank you on a regular basis.
Pick the chore your spouse dislikes the most, and do it for him or her
without being asked - wow - what a unique idea!
Say “I love you” often, not just when you think it’s expected...
Being Spontaneous is exciting!
5. Be Physical -Starting with the Brain!
Being physical means touching her arm, a foot massage, a scalp massage,
holding his hand, offering a gentle caress or neck rub after a tough day. And
when the two of you do move towards having sex, don’t just turn out the lights
and get on with it every time. Seduce each other a bit, light some candles and
take a bubble bath together. As pleasurable as sex is, doing the same thing
the same way every time gets boring so spice things up a bit and you’ll be
amazed at what will happen.
or even a lot of years. At some point, though, the early flames of passion will
fade and you’ll start looking for ways to Spark the passion...
Take a moment to read all of this article and share it with your partner...
1. Have Fun Together - Humor can be very intoxicating!
Remember the fun times you had when you first started dating? You
laughed, you played, and you spent time enjoying each other’s company.
There’s no reason for the fun to stop just because you’ve been together
for a while. Share Jokes and Cartoons - watch comedy - Just Laugh More!
Think about some of these options:
·Collect cartoons or jokes that your spouse will enjoy
·Play a game together, like checkers or backgammon
·Do something unexpected to surprise your spouse
·Do a puzzle together
·Make popcorn and watch a favorite movie
Remember: Keep the Relationship built on Trust!
·
2. Be A Fun & Happy Romantic
What did you used to do when the two of you were romancing each other?
Jump start the romance by going back to some of those previous activities
that generated warm feelings. Maybe you used to:
·Eat dinner by candlelight
·Hide a love note in your spouse’s lunch
·Build a fire and relax in front of it
·Take a walk in the moonlight
Read Poetry to each other in the Park on a blanket
·
3. Go Back To Dating like it was! - Remember ?
One way to jump start your relationship is to “date” each other again. Add
to the fun by calling to ask each other out, and the one doing the asking
then plans the date. To make it more challenging, set a budget limit for
the date. You’d be amazed at how much fun it is to be creative and plan
a date for $40 or less.
Once you’re on the date, treat each other as you did when you were first
getting acquainted. Men, open the car door for your lady. Women, put
on a special dress and flirt with your gentleman.
Remember: You deserve to be in a Healthy relationship!
4. Do The Little Things - & it is okay to Be Sensitive
The day-to-day grind of life can really wear you down, and at those times
paying attention to the little things gets harder. It’s more important then
ever, though, that you make the extra effort to do the little things that
your spouse will really appreciate.
You could:
Make a point to give your partner a hug and a kiss each morning
before you leave and each evening when you get home.
Remember to say please and thank you on a regular basis.
Pick the chore your spouse dislikes the most, and do it for him or her
without being asked - wow - what a unique idea!
Say “I love you” often, not just when you think it’s expected...
Being Spontaneous is exciting!
5. Be Physical -Starting with the Brain!
Being physical means touching her arm, a foot massage, a scalp massage,
holding his hand, offering a gentle caress or neck rub after a tough day. And
when the two of you do move towards having sex, don’t just turn out the lights
and get on with it every time. Seduce each other a bit, light some candles and
take a bubble bath together. As pleasurable as sex is, doing the same thing
the same way every time gets boring so spice things up a bit and you’ll be
amazed at what will happen.
Two Keys to a Happy Marriage by Kevin Miller
Almost every marriage starts out as a huge celebration. Together with their family and friends, each couple is full of hopes and dreams for their future life together. But the road to a happy marriage is far from easy. And as today’s divorce statistics demonstrate all too well, many couples opt not to complete the journey.
It would be easy to blame our high rate of marital failure on things like not spending enough quality time together, allowing bitterness and resentment to build in our hearts and failing to keep communication lines open. There’s no end to books, articles and seminars that tell you how to improve these and many other aspects of your relationship. But while quality time, forgiveness and communication are vitally important to creating a happy marriage, if such things aren’t happening, it’s usually a sign of a much deeper problem. And until this problem is addressed, no amount of external behavior modification will work.
To get a hint of what this deeper issue might be, let’s take a look at the following Scripture passage:
One of them, an expert in the law, tested him [Jesus] with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:35-40)
I believe that virtually every marital problem can be traced back to one or both partners failing to abide by these two laws. The same is true of any relationship. The minute we begin to focus on our own wants and needs over those of God or our partner; we’re destined for trouble.
Experiencing communication problems in your marriage? How often do you really focus on listening to what your partner (or God) has to say instead of insisting on more airtime? Feeling bitterness and resentment growing toward your partner? When was the last time you brought him or her before the Lord in prayer and truly thanked God for your relationship? Struggling to find quality time together? How about praying with your partner and asking God how he would like you to use your time?
As you begin to do these things, you’ll notice that your focus automatically starts to shift away from you and your desires and over to God and your partner. As a result, communication problems begin to improve, anger and resentment fade away and you naturally want to spend more time together. Of course, you can’t expect such changes to happen overnight. Your relationship is also bound to face financial pressures, childrearing issues and other problems that are beyond your control. But if you commit your relationship to God and make a conscious decision each day to put God and your partner first, your marriage will be able to weather any storm. Not only that; you’ll also have plenty of fun together along the way!
Have you struggled to find happiness in your marriage? Perhaps it’s time you and your spouse invited God to direct your relationship. If you would like to do so, we encourage you to pray the following:
"Dear God, thank you so much for bringing us together as a couple. We know that you have a plan and a purpose for our marriage, and we invite you to forgive the past self-centeredness, come into our lives and relationship and direct our steps from now on. Please give us the grace to put you and each other first every day. Make our relationship a blessing to others. But most of all; make it a blessing to you. Amen."
It would be easy to blame our high rate of marital failure on things like not spending enough quality time together, allowing bitterness and resentment to build in our hearts and failing to keep communication lines open. There’s no end to books, articles and seminars that tell you how to improve these and many other aspects of your relationship. But while quality time, forgiveness and communication are vitally important to creating a happy marriage, if such things aren’t happening, it’s usually a sign of a much deeper problem. And until this problem is addressed, no amount of external behavior modification will work.
To get a hint of what this deeper issue might be, let’s take a look at the following Scripture passage:
One of them, an expert in the law, tested him [Jesus] with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:35-40)
I believe that virtually every marital problem can be traced back to one or both partners failing to abide by these two laws. The same is true of any relationship. The minute we begin to focus on our own wants and needs over those of God or our partner; we’re destined for trouble.
Experiencing communication problems in your marriage? How often do you really focus on listening to what your partner (or God) has to say instead of insisting on more airtime? Feeling bitterness and resentment growing toward your partner? When was the last time you brought him or her before the Lord in prayer and truly thanked God for your relationship? Struggling to find quality time together? How about praying with your partner and asking God how he would like you to use your time?
As you begin to do these things, you’ll notice that your focus automatically starts to shift away from you and your desires and over to God and your partner. As a result, communication problems begin to improve, anger and resentment fade away and you naturally want to spend more time together. Of course, you can’t expect such changes to happen overnight. Your relationship is also bound to face financial pressures, childrearing issues and other problems that are beyond your control. But if you commit your relationship to God and make a conscious decision each day to put God and your partner first, your marriage will be able to weather any storm. Not only that; you’ll also have plenty of fun together along the way!
Have you struggled to find happiness in your marriage? Perhaps it’s time you and your spouse invited God to direct your relationship. If you would like to do so, we encourage you to pray the following:
"Dear God, thank you so much for bringing us together as a couple. We know that you have a plan and a purpose for our marriage, and we invite you to forgive the past self-centeredness, come into our lives and relationship and direct our steps from now on. Please give us the grace to put you and each other first every day. Make our relationship a blessing to others. But most of all; make it a blessing to you. Amen."
Monday, January 24, 2011
Cultivating Gratitude In Your Marriage
"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven." -Johannes A. Gaertner
Most spiritual and psychological traditions speak of the importance of cultivating a sense of gratitude in life, if one is to evolve into higher realms of human existence and consistently experience joy, aliveness and meaning in one’s life. This is especially true here in the Western world, where we are bombarded with the lure and illusory promise of material things from the moment we are born. Our entire consumer-oriented culture is based on convincing people that the real solution to their unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life is that they need to buy something they do not yet have (and often really do not need), and then making them feel even worse if they can’t or won’t buy it. All of our major indices of prosperity and success are based on the idea that consumption is good, and more consumption is better. Consequently, even if we do buy the latest thing, our satisfaction is short-lived and fades as soon as the next new gizmo comes out. As a result, people feel badly if their house "only" has 2000 square feet and their car has not grown to tank-size proportions like the ones they see in their neighbor’s driveway and their boat is only twenty feet long.
But what inner qualities does this entire industry of induced consumption breed in us? Unfortunately, it has created a nation of greedy, envious, self-serving, worried, competitive people who tend to put more attention on what they don’t have then what they have, creating more craving, more desire, more emptiness, and more longing. Compare this attitude with that of the philosopher Epictetus, who said, "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
And this attitude of dissatisfaction exists in a country which has more material prosperity than any country in history. Just how fortunate are we in the United States? According to recent estimates by the United Nations, worldwide, about 24,000 people die every day from hunger or hunger-related causes; some 800 million people in the world suffer from hunger and malnutrition; and 1.6 billion people still live in absolute poverty. If one includes those living in "relative poverty", the poor population across the globe amounts to 3.3 billion, more than half of the entire world. In other words, over 50% of the population on Earth would be thrilled beyond belief to live at the standard of most Americans. And yet for so many of us, it’s still not enough.
Which is where gratitude comes in. We need a major attitude shift if we are to create healthier relationships, more inner serenity, fulfillment and meaningful lives. Cicero once wrote, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." Gratitude paves the way for a host of other very positive qualities to emerge.
How we can cultivate more of this wonderful quality within ourselves and others? We can begin by starting a Gratitude Journal, writing down all things, both great and small, that we are grateful for in our life. Nothing is too small or insignificant to be included, because the scale of gratitude knows no bounds. You can be as grateful for the flower that bloomed today as for the home you live in, the health of your family, and the look in your dog’s eye when you come home. Review your list daily.
In terms of our relationships, we tend to take our spouses, lovers, significant others and friends for granted. There is no greater gift than to tell a loved one how much you appreciate their presence in your life. Countless times while working with couples we have seen resentment and anger melt away in the presence of sincere gratitude and appreciation. Call a friend or relative, or write a letter to let someone know what they mean to you, even if they are healthy and not in crisis. It’s also a wonderful practice to have an entire family express gratitude together on a regular basis; the earlier children start the greater their capacity for gratitude becomes.
The consistent practice of expressing gratitude also reminds us that we do not live alone; we survive only because we are constantly receiving goods from people, from nature, and from spirit. Gratitude helps us to be more aware of the many things that we receive from other people, and realize that our lives depend on the perpetual giving of others, and we feel a deeper responsibility to give more of ourselves. Albert Einstein said, "A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depends on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the measure as I have received and am still receiving".
In closing, here's a wonderful quote by Melody Beattie:
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow".
Most spiritual and psychological traditions speak of the importance of cultivating a sense of gratitude in life, if one is to evolve into higher realms of human existence and consistently experience joy, aliveness and meaning in one’s life. This is especially true here in the Western world, where we are bombarded with the lure and illusory promise of material things from the moment we are born. Our entire consumer-oriented culture is based on convincing people that the real solution to their unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life is that they need to buy something they do not yet have (and often really do not need), and then making them feel even worse if they can’t or won’t buy it. All of our major indices of prosperity and success are based on the idea that consumption is good, and more consumption is better. Consequently, even if we do buy the latest thing, our satisfaction is short-lived and fades as soon as the next new gizmo comes out. As a result, people feel badly if their house "only" has 2000 square feet and their car has not grown to tank-size proportions like the ones they see in their neighbor’s driveway and their boat is only twenty feet long.
But what inner qualities does this entire industry of induced consumption breed in us? Unfortunately, it has created a nation of greedy, envious, self-serving, worried, competitive people who tend to put more attention on what they don’t have then what they have, creating more craving, more desire, more emptiness, and more longing. Compare this attitude with that of the philosopher Epictetus, who said, "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
And this attitude of dissatisfaction exists in a country which has more material prosperity than any country in history. Just how fortunate are we in the United States? According to recent estimates by the United Nations, worldwide, about 24,000 people die every day from hunger or hunger-related causes; some 800 million people in the world suffer from hunger and malnutrition; and 1.6 billion people still live in absolute poverty. If one includes those living in "relative poverty", the poor population across the globe amounts to 3.3 billion, more than half of the entire world. In other words, over 50% of the population on Earth would be thrilled beyond belief to live at the standard of most Americans. And yet for so many of us, it’s still not enough.
Which is where gratitude comes in. We need a major attitude shift if we are to create healthier relationships, more inner serenity, fulfillment and meaningful lives. Cicero once wrote, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." Gratitude paves the way for a host of other very positive qualities to emerge.
How we can cultivate more of this wonderful quality within ourselves and others? We can begin by starting a Gratitude Journal, writing down all things, both great and small, that we are grateful for in our life. Nothing is too small or insignificant to be included, because the scale of gratitude knows no bounds. You can be as grateful for the flower that bloomed today as for the home you live in, the health of your family, and the look in your dog’s eye when you come home. Review your list daily.
In terms of our relationships, we tend to take our spouses, lovers, significant others and friends for granted. There is no greater gift than to tell a loved one how much you appreciate their presence in your life. Countless times while working with couples we have seen resentment and anger melt away in the presence of sincere gratitude and appreciation. Call a friend or relative, or write a letter to let someone know what they mean to you, even if they are healthy and not in crisis. It’s also a wonderful practice to have an entire family express gratitude together on a regular basis; the earlier children start the greater their capacity for gratitude becomes.
The consistent practice of expressing gratitude also reminds us that we do not live alone; we survive only because we are constantly receiving goods from people, from nature, and from spirit. Gratitude helps us to be more aware of the many things that we receive from other people, and realize that our lives depend on the perpetual giving of others, and we feel a deeper responsibility to give more of ourselves. Albert Einstein said, "A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depends on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the measure as I have received and am still receiving".
In closing, here's a wonderful quote by Melody Beattie:
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow".
Creating an Honest, Truthful Relationship That Last
One of the greatest joys and challenges of conscious, intimate relationships is that when we answer the call to love, we are invited to expand upon who we think we are, who we have been and what we feel and think we are capable of. We are invited by forces larger than ourselves to become a more complete, fuller, more loving human being. We are asked to participate in a process that is at once mysterious, exhilarating and terrifying.
When we answer this most compelling call, a part of us dives headlong into the fray, eager for the possibility of a deeper, more intimate connection than we have experienced before. Recent research indicates that during the early stages of being in love, our brains may secrete a powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine, bathing our central nervous system with an overdose of nature's most potent love cocktail. We are filled with ecstasy and vision and all our circuits are brilliantly lit up. In this heavenly state we are capable of extraordinary acts of unselfish love and caring that occur almost effortlessly.
When we return to earth, however, we are left with our vision of who we can be and the reality of who we think we are. The call to love is always to go deeper and farther than before and if we choose to answer the call, we will inevitably be confronted with a series of choices. One choice is to make a conscious decision of how committed we are to the truth. Have you been committed to truth in your previous relationships? If not, what was the consequence of not committing to truth? And now that you re in a new relationship, are you going to make a conscious commitment for the fullest, deepest, most honest connection you can or are you going to settle for less than that? How far do you want to try to go together? We encourage couples to discuss this openly and consciously, rather than let it play out unconsciously and indirectly as it so often does.
Every time we act and speak from truth, we invite our partner to do the same. Our journey continues to expand and deepen. The equation is simple: Truth = Love = Deeper Connection = Expansion = Greater Opening to Spirit. But if commitment to truth brings such wonderful things to our lives, why is it so rare and so hard? Why are there so many lies, so many affairs, so much hurt and anger being acted out indirectly? Whenever we consider lying to ourselves or our partners, we generally do so to protect some part of ourselves which feels afraid or inadequate. We want to appear better than we are and a little white lie won't hurt anyway, we tell ourselves. It's not really a big deal. What they don't know won't hurt them. We believe it IS a big deal if you compromise and limit the vision of love that the two of you have been called to create. It IS a big deal if you damage the foundation of trust which underlies any successful partnership. It IS a big deal if you re-create patterns of secrets and hiding that you learned in your families of origin. It IS a big deal if you set a precedent of withholding or distorting the honest reality that you experience individually and together. Each time that we distort the truth, we constrict and limit our original call to love and restrict the depth of what we can become. We slip back into the cocoon of our limiting beliefs about ourselves and what we are capable of as human beings.
When we work with couples and encourage them to make a solid commitment to the truth, they often say things like, ''Well I'm afraid to tell her what I really feel... she might leave me'' or ''If he knew that I had done that, he'll hate me forever, so I can't tell him'' or ''If she knew that I wanted to do X, Y and Z sexually, she'd think I was sick.'' At the core, it's always a fear that the truth will not set you free but will unleash a torrent of anger or rejection. But if your relationship cannot handle the truth, then what do you have anyway? If you and your partner are merely colluding with each other to stay in safe territory and avoid difficult issues, then you are settling for much less than what your call to love has invited you to experience.
Commitment to the truth can be uncomfortable and scary at times, but it is also the surest path to ongoing growth and deepening connection available to conscious relationship partners. We encourage everyone to make that commitment and pass it on through words and deeds to your children. If you have struggled with this in the past, be honest about that. And take steps to understand why you might have been less than honest. What healing needs to take place within you so that you no longer need to hide or appear different than who you really are? And remember, the commitment to the truth is not a commitment to always talking about something negative! The truth can be how grateful you feel to be in this relationship or how wonderful it feels to be with someone who shares your vision of an intimate relationship.
We are all capable of greater acts of love and truth than we may believe. We are all capable of being more honest, more clear, more loving, more unselfish. By honoring the original vision that called us to love at this time, we can commit to the truth of what we are experiencing and commit to communicating it to our partners on a regular basis. That is the process that truly will set you and your partner free - to experience the deepest and highest connection possible.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting truth and honesty in your relationship, or there has been a betrayal of trust in the past or present, call us at (248) 546-0407 and let us show you how you can heal the hurts and resentments from the past and create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
When we answer this most compelling call, a part of us dives headlong into the fray, eager for the possibility of a deeper, more intimate connection than we have experienced before. Recent research indicates that during the early stages of being in love, our brains may secrete a powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine, bathing our central nervous system with an overdose of nature's most potent love cocktail. We are filled with ecstasy and vision and all our circuits are brilliantly lit up. In this heavenly state we are capable of extraordinary acts of unselfish love and caring that occur almost effortlessly.
When we return to earth, however, we are left with our vision of who we can be and the reality of who we think we are. The call to love is always to go deeper and farther than before and if we choose to answer the call, we will inevitably be confronted with a series of choices. One choice is to make a conscious decision of how committed we are to the truth. Have you been committed to truth in your previous relationships? If not, what was the consequence of not committing to truth? And now that you re in a new relationship, are you going to make a conscious commitment for the fullest, deepest, most honest connection you can or are you going to settle for less than that? How far do you want to try to go together? We encourage couples to discuss this openly and consciously, rather than let it play out unconsciously and indirectly as it so often does.
Every time we act and speak from truth, we invite our partner to do the same. Our journey continues to expand and deepen. The equation is simple: Truth = Love = Deeper Connection = Expansion = Greater Opening to Spirit. But if commitment to truth brings such wonderful things to our lives, why is it so rare and so hard? Why are there so many lies, so many affairs, so much hurt and anger being acted out indirectly? Whenever we consider lying to ourselves or our partners, we generally do so to protect some part of ourselves which feels afraid or inadequate. We want to appear better than we are and a little white lie won't hurt anyway, we tell ourselves. It's not really a big deal. What they don't know won't hurt them. We believe it IS a big deal if you compromise and limit the vision of love that the two of you have been called to create. It IS a big deal if you damage the foundation of trust which underlies any successful partnership. It IS a big deal if you re-create patterns of secrets and hiding that you learned in your families of origin. It IS a big deal if you set a precedent of withholding or distorting the honest reality that you experience individually and together. Each time that we distort the truth, we constrict and limit our original call to love and restrict the depth of what we can become. We slip back into the cocoon of our limiting beliefs about ourselves and what we are capable of as human beings.
When we work with couples and encourage them to make a solid commitment to the truth, they often say things like, ''Well I'm afraid to tell her what I really feel... she might leave me'' or ''If he knew that I had done that, he'll hate me forever, so I can't tell him'' or ''If she knew that I wanted to do X, Y and Z sexually, she'd think I was sick.'' At the core, it's always a fear that the truth will not set you free but will unleash a torrent of anger or rejection. But if your relationship cannot handle the truth, then what do you have anyway? If you and your partner are merely colluding with each other to stay in safe territory and avoid difficult issues, then you are settling for much less than what your call to love has invited you to experience.
Commitment to the truth can be uncomfortable and scary at times, but it is also the surest path to ongoing growth and deepening connection available to conscious relationship partners. We encourage everyone to make that commitment and pass it on through words and deeds to your children. If you have struggled with this in the past, be honest about that. And take steps to understand why you might have been less than honest. What healing needs to take place within you so that you no longer need to hide or appear different than who you really are? And remember, the commitment to the truth is not a commitment to always talking about something negative! The truth can be how grateful you feel to be in this relationship or how wonderful it feels to be with someone who shares your vision of an intimate relationship.
We are all capable of greater acts of love and truth than we may believe. We are all capable of being more honest, more clear, more loving, more unselfish. By honoring the original vision that called us to love at this time, we can commit to the truth of what we are experiencing and commit to communicating it to our partners on a regular basis. That is the process that truly will set you and your partner free - to experience the deepest and highest connection possible.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting truth and honesty in your relationship, or there has been a betrayal of trust in the past or present, call us at (248) 546-0407 and let us show you how you can heal the hurts and resentments from the past and create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Easy Steps for Nurturing Your Marriage By: Jacey Reynolds
Admit it. You've done it before and you'll do it again. You may even be doing it right now as you're reading this article. The "it" I'm talking about? Ignoring your husband! You remember him—that guy who schleps off to work every day, checks the fluids in your car, and has a key to your house?
I confess, as a busy woman, I too am guilty of this offense. Just last night my husband asked me to do him a small favor, and I sarcastically told him I'd "get right on it," as if I had nothing else on my schedule. So without a conscious effort, I made sure he knew just where he fell on my list of priorities. You guessed it—right at the bottom. After paying some bills, checking my email, and wiping down the kitchen counters, I was exhausted and ready to end my day. I eventually got around to helping my husband the next morning, and that's what's important, right?
Well, not quite. I know I could have handled the situation better by giving my husband the help he needed when he needed it—or at least avoided the sarcastic tone and bad attitude when I told him it would have to wait. How many other moms have found themselves in similar situations?
Busy women, I have a challenge for us all! A proposal that we resume paying some attention to those men who were once, however briefly, the focal point of our existence.
So how can we care for our husbands more when our daily lives are already crammed full of to-dos? My solution comes in the form of a little list I compiled and hung on my refrigerator. It suggests small yet powerful ways that we can show love to our mates:
# Put your arm around your husband. Hug him and kiss him for no reason at all—he may wonder what you're up to!
# Hold his hand when you go places together. Did you know touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love and can actually alter our physical and emotional states?
# Show extra compassion when he is sick. Fluff his pillow and tuck him in bed. Offer to make him tea or run a bath for him. Warm his towel in the dryer when he's ready to get out of the water.
# Write him a note or buy him a card and leave it in his shirt pocket, his briefcase, his lunchbox, or on the dashboard in his car. My husband loves this one!
# Don't forget to spend some time alone together. Plan a date night! Make the dinner reservations, buy tickets to the game, hire the babysitter, and enjoy time as a couple.
# Massage his back, neck, or feet for 20 minutes. What a simple way to help him relax and show you care. (And while you're doing this unselfishly, there's always a chance he'll return the favor some time!)
# Without mentioning it to your husband, do a household chore that is normally his responsibility.
# The next time you start to spend five dollars on yourself, spend it on him instead. He'll enjoy the gift and the realization that you were thinking about him.
# Make it a point to say something kind about your husband to someone else. He probably won't even know you've done this, but it will make you feel good and can change the way you look at him. You may be surprised at how well this works!
# Thank him for the everyday things: being a good provider, a good husband, taking out the trash, or making dinner after a busy day.
# Surprise him with his favorite meal for no reason.
# Talk to him about current events (yes, even sports!) that interest him, even if they don't interest you.
# If you pray together, be sure to vocalize thanks for him in your prayers. It will mean a lot to him to hear your gratefulness. You'll be amazed at the closeness this can create between two people.
# You and your husband probably work hard to earn money. Spend that money wisely. Excessive debt and shortage of money puts unnecessary strain on a marriage and will stress you both out, making everyone grouchy.
# When you run errands, be sure to ask him if he needs or wants anything. In other words, be thoughtful.
# Be sociable and friendly with his friends, work associates, and family, no matter how you really feel about them.
# Be polite. Say "please," "thank you," and "you're welcome." We often have a tendency to be more polite to strangers and mere acquaintances than we are to the ones we love most.
# Praise him sincerely for a job well done. Tell him how great the newly painted nursery looks or that the landscaping he put in is terrific.
# Spend time talking about his dreams and goals—and yours. Communication is key to a healthy marriage.
# Say "I love you!"
This list may not work miracles, but doing just one of the suggested items each day can help you rekindle some of the spark that you once had with the man in your life. Try it every day for a week. You're sure to see a difference, not only in your marriage, but in your entire family as well. Remember, happy couples are the foundation for happy families!
I confess, as a busy woman, I too am guilty of this offense. Just last night my husband asked me to do him a small favor, and I sarcastically told him I'd "get right on it," as if I had nothing else on my schedule. So without a conscious effort, I made sure he knew just where he fell on my list of priorities. You guessed it—right at the bottom. After paying some bills, checking my email, and wiping down the kitchen counters, I was exhausted and ready to end my day. I eventually got around to helping my husband the next morning, and that's what's important, right?
Well, not quite. I know I could have handled the situation better by giving my husband the help he needed when he needed it—or at least avoided the sarcastic tone and bad attitude when I told him it would have to wait. How many other moms have found themselves in similar situations?
Busy women, I have a challenge for us all! A proposal that we resume paying some attention to those men who were once, however briefly, the focal point of our existence.
So how can we care for our husbands more when our daily lives are already crammed full of to-dos? My solution comes in the form of a little list I compiled and hung on my refrigerator. It suggests small yet powerful ways that we can show love to our mates:
# Put your arm around your husband. Hug him and kiss him for no reason at all—he may wonder what you're up to!
# Hold his hand when you go places together. Did you know touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love and can actually alter our physical and emotional states?
# Show extra compassion when he is sick. Fluff his pillow and tuck him in bed. Offer to make him tea or run a bath for him. Warm his towel in the dryer when he's ready to get out of the water.
# Write him a note or buy him a card and leave it in his shirt pocket, his briefcase, his lunchbox, or on the dashboard in his car. My husband loves this one!
# Don't forget to spend some time alone together. Plan a date night! Make the dinner reservations, buy tickets to the game, hire the babysitter, and enjoy time as a couple.
# Massage his back, neck, or feet for 20 minutes. What a simple way to help him relax and show you care. (And while you're doing this unselfishly, there's always a chance he'll return the favor some time!)
# Without mentioning it to your husband, do a household chore that is normally his responsibility.
# The next time you start to spend five dollars on yourself, spend it on him instead. He'll enjoy the gift and the realization that you were thinking about him.
# Make it a point to say something kind about your husband to someone else. He probably won't even know you've done this, but it will make you feel good and can change the way you look at him. You may be surprised at how well this works!
# Thank him for the everyday things: being a good provider, a good husband, taking out the trash, or making dinner after a busy day.
# Surprise him with his favorite meal for no reason.
# Talk to him about current events (yes, even sports!) that interest him, even if they don't interest you.
# If you pray together, be sure to vocalize thanks for him in your prayers. It will mean a lot to him to hear your gratefulness. You'll be amazed at the closeness this can create between two people.
# You and your husband probably work hard to earn money. Spend that money wisely. Excessive debt and shortage of money puts unnecessary strain on a marriage and will stress you both out, making everyone grouchy.
# When you run errands, be sure to ask him if he needs or wants anything. In other words, be thoughtful.
# Be sociable and friendly with his friends, work associates, and family, no matter how you really feel about them.
# Be polite. Say "please," "thank you," and "you're welcome." We often have a tendency to be more polite to strangers and mere acquaintances than we are to the ones we love most.
# Praise him sincerely for a job well done. Tell him how great the newly painted nursery looks or that the landscaping he put in is terrific.
# Spend time talking about his dreams and goals—and yours. Communication is key to a healthy marriage.
# Say "I love you!"
This list may not work miracles, but doing just one of the suggested items each day can help you rekindle some of the spark that you once had with the man in your life. Try it every day for a week. You're sure to see a difference, not only in your marriage, but in your entire family as well. Remember, happy couples are the foundation for happy families!
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