Nine Tips for having a Smart Marriage

Nine Tips for having a Smart Marriage@ from the Smart Marriages Conferences:
1. Marriage matters. Married people & their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, & success. And, married folks report having more & better sex than single or divorced people.

2. It's not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages from the failures. Disagreeing doesn’t predict divorce. Stonewalling, avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment predict divorce. Learn how to disagree in ways that help you fall more in love.

3. All happily married couples have approximately ten irreconcilable differences - ten issues they will never resolve. If we switch partners, we just get ten new issues that are likely to be even more annoying and complicated. Sadly, if there are children from an earlier marriage or relationship, disagreements about them go to the top of the list. What's important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren't there, but what’s important is to keep talking about how to manage them and still do the marriage “dance”.

4. Marital satisfaction often dips with the birth of a baby. That's normal. Marital satisfaction is at its lowest when there are kids in the house between 11 and 16. That's normal. We need to know what to expect, appreciate our parenting partner – and hang in. It makes good sense to stay married for the sake of the kids - and for our own sake. Even with the challenges, it’s a lot easier to be a parenting team than to be a single, divorced, or remarried parent. Plus there is a silver lining: satisfaction goes back up with the empty nest. The final stage of marriage – with a job well done – is the real honeymoon period.

5 Sex ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. That's normal. Plan for & make time for more “flows”.

6. Creating good marital sex is not about putting the sizzle BACK INTO your sex life. Early marital sex is sex between strangers – we don't yet know our partner or ourselves. The most passionate sex is intimate sex based on knowing our partner and letting them know us. One of the most important tasks of marriage is to develop a satisfying marital sex style. It's not about going BACK; it's about going FORWARD, together.

7. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy marriage.

8. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change – to discuss and update your wishes, hopes & dreams – on a regular basis. We often “interview” each other before marriage and then think "that's it." The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. (Thank goodness!) Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner. Don’t fear changes, celebrate them!

9. Try several different marriage education courses. Become informed consumers – rate the Compromising Positions

DATING THE FOUNDATION OF MARRIAGE

DATING THE FOUNDATION OF MARRIAGE
Dating could be described as the start of marital arrangement by a man and a woman that are of marriageable age. But we should look at dating with view to marriage when the two have agreed to that and when they have confirmed their love for each other. It is advisable to want to know each other well. Dating can afford the two the opportunity of knowing even better, if they are sincere to themselves. There is problem for many who have chosen to concentrate on the negatives leaving shoving the positives aside and these should be the main points that will be watched on.

Dating could be a time of seeing each other more often and spending quality time together, also exploring to know the interest and the dispositions of your intending mate more fully. This should be a time for serious reflections on the ideals of the kind of marriage one wants.

The question of chosen the suitable mate is answered within the framework of dating, but the big question is on what should one focus his or her attention while dating? I would answer to the affirmative that focusing on the inner-person is better; it will give you a better result. Why? The words of the originator of marriage gives an insight as to this, it says “and do not let your adornment be that of external braiding of the hair and of putting on of Gold ornaments or the wearing of outer garment, but let it be the secret person of the heart in the incorruptible apparel of the quit and mild spirit, which is of great value in the eyes of God”. It went further to state “charms may be false and prettiness may be vain; but the woman or man that fears God is the one that procures praise for him or her self”. From those words of the originator of marriage, we can see that most men and women do make mistake while dating with view to marriage.

For lasting marriage relationship, why not make it your aim to choose a man or woman that meets with the grand purpose of marriage according to Gods principles. Do not focus on those things that are everlasting and not on transients which will fade very fast.

You ought to select a mate based not on beauty, physical appearances and sentiments, but on facts and secrete person of the heart. Not on racial, ethnic or cultural backgrounds, but on LOVE that is based on principles that harmonizes with God’s.

Let us veer into some of the principles of God that we should not ignore even while dating with view to marriage. To please God, we should keep our relationship with the opposite sex honorable and date with view to marriage not on selfish reasons or to hurt the feelings of another. DO NOT DELIBRATELY BREAK ANY BODY’S HEART.

How can you keep your relationship clean and undefiled in God’s eyes especially in view of the tremendous pressure on intending couples to throw moral restrain aside? First you should recognize that God’s standards were set down with our very best interest in mind. For example, God’s word says “I God am your God, the one teaching you to benefit your self, the one causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk. O! if only you would actually pay attention to my commandments. Then your peace would become just like a river, and your righteousness like the waves if the sea.” Yes, the commandment and principles set down in God’s inspired word the Holy Bible are for our benefit. Those words show the depth of our creators care for us and that he wants us to be happy and successful in all aspects of our lives including dating and marriage.

Accept the truth about yourself and do not deceive your intending marriage mate. You will not benefit yourself by hiding what you are to your intending marriage mate. Tell him or her whole truth about you. Why? Honesty pays better dividends than falsehood. By imitating our God by been honest will endear you to the heart of your intending mate. DO NOT ALLOW DECIET TO RULE YOUR DATE WITH ANY ONE. Try to heed the admonition of the originator of marriage it says “The heart is treacherous than anything else and is desperate, who can know it” it went further to say “ He or she that is trusting in his own heart is stupid, but he or she that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.

Since dating is a serious business allow the wisdom from above to guide you, never to fall into the trap of those who want to satisfy their lust. Why this is germane is that if you are not guided by Godly wisdom you may allow sexual feelings to becloud your sense of reasoning. For true guidance, why not confide in your parents if they have good virtues or better still those matured spouses who had exemplary marriages, these ones would be of immense help. For ultimate result LISTEN TO God’s word about marriage, you will be happy you did.

YOUR BEHAVIORS SHOULD BE CLEARLY DEFINED DURING DATING OR CUORTSHIP. Your behaviors during courtship or dating period should be well understood by your intending mate, for example, if your partner is asked about your behavior would he or she give a straight forward answer to such question. When you are not invincible as to your behavior you will be building your marriage foundation on solid rock like the one you will find in God’s word which says “the wise man build his house on a rock and the rain fall and the wind blew and the Sun shown against the house and it did not shake or cave in because the house is built on solid rock. But to the contrary if you start you date with false you will be liken to that foolish man described in God’s word which says “the foolish man that build his house on sandy soil and the wind blew and the Sun shown and the rain fall against the house and the collapse of the house was great because it has its foundation on sand. Of the two which would you prefer? The choice is yours.

The Basics Of Marriage

FUNDAMENTALS OF MARRIAGE

The basics of marriage must be taken into consideration, for example, if you want to construct a building, it will not be ideal to start it without first having a careful preparations which includes the following; before the foundation is laid, land must be acquired and plans drawn up , the cost should be counted so as to meet the requirement set out in the holy Book the Bible which says “Who of you that want to build a tower does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it? In a similar vain, marriage could be likened to constructing a building. A for the success of it, any who wants to get married should ask or consider the cost of getting married in terms of physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of it. Therefore, those contemplating marriage need to have a realistic view of both the blessing and the cost of being married.

From the outset, one need to stop and ask, am I ready for marriage? As was said of constructing a building, yes! Constructing a building may be expensive, but caring for its long – term maintenance is costly as well. The same could be seen in marriage. Getting married seems challenging enough, however, maintaining a marital relationship year after year must be considered. The big question is, what does maintaining such a relationship entail?

If you could follow the words of the originator of marriage which states “A man will leave his mother and father and “MUST” stick to his wife and they must become one flesh”. By analyzing those words, it showed the kind of commitment that is to be shown between the couples. One sticking to the other in a mutual understanding of what marriage is all about, forming a bond. So if you are contemplating marriage you ought to bear those words in mind, if you are already married you should reevaluate your priorities in your marriage based on those words, to see if you are in line with those words of wisdom an this shows whether you value your solemn commitment.

Are you one of those who feels that the idea of a solemn commitment frightens you? For example, a young man confesses “knowing that the two of us ( himself and the wife) were stuck together for life made me feel pushed into Corner and closed totally confined”. To the contrary if you really love the person you intend to marry or have married to, commitment will not seem like a burden instead, it will be viewed as a source of security. Do not be carried away, the sense of commitment implied in marriage will make a couple want to stay together through good times and bad and to be supportive to each other come what may. Do you know that the commitment of marriage makes one to feel more secure? The security here is total and refreshing enabling each of the mates to want to see the other every minute of the day.

Marriages are ment to last , why the opposite?

I have watched many marriages crumble. As arrogant as it may sound, I know why they all do. I use to think that marital problems were unique and complicated. Well, although marital problems can make your life complicated I hardly believe there are any unique marital problems out there. I therefore think I can speak directly to your marriage. Lets see how I do.....

The relationship begins. The intial phase of being "in love" starts. This is a very powerful phase. Being "in love" is a feeling that no drug could ever match. This person makes you look forward to every day. Thinking about the person puts a smile on your face. This person makes you feel "complete". You feel confident to face the world. Your life makes sense and you are very optimistic about the future. It usally is remembered as one of the happiest times of your life. This phase can be a few months or a couple of years (if you are lucky). Unfortuantely, this phase is not real life. No earthly person can do these things for you. This is an important point. Remember it.

The problem begins when the "in love" drug starts to wear off. It may have worn off while you were engaged. It may have been two years into your marriage. It may have happend to your spouse first. No matter....it happens to both partners eventually. You can probably identify the month or year the "in love" phase ended for you. Whenever it happened, the big problem is that you are married and not in love. Your spouse no longer makes you happy. This person does not make you feel whole. Being married to this person now makes you uncertain of your future. Your life looks bleak. You have more problems and they are bigger than ever before. You see imperfections in your spouse that you never noticed before. A sense of doom, embarrassment, regret, and shame overcome you. You feel trapped by the marriage and wonder how you made such a big mistake. Your spouse is feeling these same feeling. He/she may not be able to verbalize these feelings to you but they are there....somewhere.

What happens now? You had two choices.....sacrifice yourself and everything and try to make your spouse happy or escape and make yourself happy. Usually one spouse picks to sacrifice and the other escapes. You might flip flop roles after a couple years. Neither role is healthy but it is too painful to face the fact that this is a doomed relationship. Escape?....how? It takes of few forms.....drugs, alchohol, affair, pornography, work, hobby, the kids. The last three are more acceptable in the eyes of society but they are no less of an escape. When you realize that none of this will either save your marrige or make you happy then depression usually sets in. Is this all starting to sound familiar?

This whole process from start to finish takes about 5-7 years (starting from "in love") In some marriages, both couples escape and they can delay the break up for many years. They simply wake up one day from their escape and realize there is no marriage left at all. I am sure you know a couple like that...."I can't believe they broke up after 20 years of marriage!"

I hope that knowing that your problems are very similar to millions of married people is some sort of comfort to you. People do not tend to share their marital problems. Every one puts on a good act in public. But you are definitely not alone. This sounds quite bleak doesn't it? There is a solution but it is not an easy one.

To fix this you have to start at the root of the problem....you. You and your spouse both came into this marriage broken in some way. We are all broken. We are born imperfect and we are only made more screwed up by our life experiences. Some of us end up more broken then others. Nevertheless, your first problem was looking to another human being to make you feel perfect again.....to fill that empty spot inside. Both you an your spouse have to agree to try a different approach to being married. Really, it is a new approach to life.

A marriage will not work by two broken pieces coming together. A marriage will only work if two whole pieces come together.

The formula to save your marriage:
1. Make yourself whole.
2. Your spouse makes him/her self whole.
3. Start over with a new marriage with a focus on nurturing your own "wholeness" while your spouse does the same.

How do you and your spouse make yourselves whole? Perhaps there are other ways to do it but I only see one. God. God is the only perfect creature on earth. It therefore only makes sense that He is the only one that can make you happy on the inside and fill that empty spot inside. You can try to fill that hole with various addictions, distractions, or indulgences. But their effect is temporary. It is a God-shaped hole. No human thing can fill it.

So my advice to save your marriage is to pray .....pray to God to make you whole. Try hard to let God's efforts be effective in you. Listen closely for God's answers inside you. THEN.....tell your spouse all the ways you want God to help you. Ask your spouse to pray for you. THEN... listen to your spouse when he/she tells you all the ways they want God to help hm/her. Pray for your spouse. Do not help your spouse if they can not see all of their imperfections. Tell God about them....let Him tell your spouse. Sharing your own imperfections with your spouse can be a very powerful thing. The more transparent you are with your spouse the closer you relationship will become. Praying for each other will only amplify the power of your openness with your spouse.

God will then become the foundation of your relationship instead of each other. Sounds like a better foundation to me.....doesn't it to you?

In the future, when you are unhappy with your marriage....look to God and look in the mirror. Looking at your spouse will not bring about effective change.

Kids
They are the joy of our life. We would do anything for them. We want only the best. The cruel irony is that focusing all of your emotional and physical efforts into your child's life will often contribute to the greatest pain in your child's life.....divorce. It is not an original thought of mine but it is worth mentioning that the primary relationship in a family is between the husband and wife. If the primary relationship is between the child and parent then the marriage will crumble. The greatest gift you can give to your child is a healthy marriage. It will bring them security, strength in building relationships, and a model to look back on for their marriage.

What Is Marriage

Marriage is God's arrangement designed to bring conviviality, happiness and love a man and a woman that are joined in this holly matrimoney. He made it to be a union of two foregiving individuals and the union to last as long as they live. Marriage from God's standpoint is different from the human standpoint and for it to endure it must be according to the originators principles, anything short of that will create heart break, unhappiness and subsequent break. So we are to ask the following questions;

How can one chose his or her mate wisely?

What should be the deciding factor if a marraige is to endure?

How should be allowed to play a vital role inmarriage?