Healing After An Affair - Where Do I Begin? Submitted By: Coleta Stewart

When you find out that your spouse broke your marital vows and went outside your marriage, the betrayal you experience runs so deep that it shakes the very foundations of your relationship. You experience an overwhelming sense of confusion, sadness, hurt, anger and grief. You may even be afraid that it is all over between the two of you. But it doesn't have to be. Healing after an affair is not hopeless, you can still repair the damage done to your marriage even if you are now feeling lost and don't know what to do, where to begin or what should you do first.

There is no doubt that a cheating spouse is one of the biggest kicks in the gut that anyone can receive. You are haunted by unanswered questions about the affair, not to mention the emotions, feelings and thoughts going through your mind when you found out about the affair.

Emotions and feelings you can expect to feel after the affair

Disbelief. The one person you thought you could trust with every ounce of your being and never have to worry about has betrayed you in the worst way possible. It's discouraging to realize that you have invested in a relationship with a dishonest spouse. As hard as it seems, you have to accept that the affair did happen, it's the only way for you to move forward and heal.

Feeling Insecure. Your husband's cheating has shattered your entire life and make you feel as insecure as a little, abandoned girl. You struggle with insecurity and low self esteem. You're so full of self-hate and negativity that you hardly recognize yourself anymore.

Sadness. He was supposed to ‘belong’ to you, so knowing others have had what is rightfully yours feels invasive to your marriage vows. The thought makes you feel sad You don't know if you'll ever feel completely safe and trusting again with your spouse who did such a terrible thing.

Confused. You always felt like you had a great marriage only to have everything you ever thought you new about your wonderful spouse, your marriages, your purpose in life, your identity, your self-worth and self-esteem blasted by what feels like a bomb just dropped on your lap. If you didn't recognize any warning signs that your spouse was cheating on you, that can leave you feeling very confused and questioning how well you knew your spouse to begin with.

Low self-esteem. The blow to your self-esteem is hard to take. You have this internal dialogue all day every day about how the other person is better than you. You feel so embarrassed and so ashamed – telling yourself that they must think there is something wrong with you and that he must really enjoy her company and conversation and what is he doing with you.

After learning of your spouse's cheating, you may not know exactly where to begin the healing process. There are three parties involved in a relationship after an affair; the injured spouse, the person who cheated, and the relationship. In order to save the marriage, both the injured and the cheating spouse need to sort out specific issues before they can even begin to work on their marriage.

Healing after an affair for the injured spouse

As the injured, you have to deal with the negative impact of your spouse’s cheating actions. You have to learn how to effectively handle all of those negative thoughts and emotions, images of the affair, and self-doubts until you begin to feel some semblance of internal peace once again. Healing after an affair can’t happen until you have looked after yourself first.

Give yourself top priority

In the aftermath of the affair, you're struggling to hold everything together. Life is still going on all around you and there are still all those family obligations that need to be taken care of. Despite all that is going on in your life right now, it’s imperative that you focus on yourself, first and foremost and put your needs first as this will help you to heal.

Boost your self-esteem

Learn to replace the broken record of self-doubt and self-recriminations with more positive thoughts about you. Tell yourself something great about you everyday, remember how you thought of yourself before the affair.

Write down what you are feeling

Keep a written (or electronic) journal of your day to day struggles and challenges. How you are working through them now and what you think your ideal future will look like. Then commit to taking one action, whether its daily or weekly that is going to move you closer to your vision.

There is no quick fix or magic pill when healing after an affair to make it all go away. As the cheating victim you have to take action to move forward, even when you don’t feel you can. Be in control of your crushed emotions. Start thinking about all the good things about yourself and your life together. It is not going to be easy to replace the negative movie of your spouse and the other person with a more positive one with you in it, but you'll eventually get to the point where you can see the two of you having a great future together.